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Bad Advice

8 Dec

I am so lucky to get quite a number of kind and usually laugh-my-ass-off hilarious comments to my weird ramblings on this blog.

If I haven’t mentioned it recently, thank you so much to the tens of you out there that read this POS blog. Who knew my complete lack of a filter would become so popular?

Seriously, the other day, Papa Bee (my dad) was arriving to work and some co-worker just getting of the night shift randomly wished him a congratulations on becoming a grandfather again (hi random worker guy! ::waves frantically::). My dad was all, “uh, say what?”

Then Random Worker Guy (or RWG for short) said, “Mom to Bee dot com!”

Um, that is so full of The Awesome I can’t even put it in to words without coming across as a totally un-eloquent Stefenie Meyers-esque writer. (For the record, love the movies and love the books more because they taught me that, in fact, ANY ONE can become a best-selling author.)

Anywho, a while back, because I am so responsible and prompt, I received an email comment from a reader asking for some advice. Here is her email:

Dear Mama Bee,

So…I know this isn’t a forum where I get to ask you for advice…but you’re so goddam witty and wise [blogger's note: like I'm going to pass on an opportunity to post about how witty and wise I am...ha!]…VERY QUICKLY…my wonderful son was dumped this weekend by his fiance (dated 3 years, engaged 6 months). She did it OVER THE PHONE. She still has the ring. I found out via Facebook that she’s seeing somebody else. So, I sent her a period (heh). Just a dot. Then she “unfriended” me (I’ll give her that). My son is going to be furious. I have hell to pay because I stuck my nose in where it didn’t belong. What would you have done? Any suggestions, any witty, hilarious ways to get my son to see this as a funny thing? I’m an idiot. Help….

Signed,
Someone Who Obviously Doesn’t Realize I Should Never Be Asked For Advice

Dear SWODRISNBAFA,

Wowzas. Your son was dating a winner, wasn’t he? The phone? Really?! Was she out of post-it notes? Maybe she had already reached her texting limit for the month. I’m really surprised she didn’t just change her Facebook status to “being a totally pussy and breaking up with my fiance on the phone right now.”

But let’s get back to the important stuff…

The ring. Because, obviously. Speaking from experience, your son’s future wife might want to ::ahem:: wear that ring on her right hand someday. Not that I wear my husband’s ex-fiancee’s ring or anything. That would be weird, right?

(changes subject rapidly)

Nextly and whatnot, if your son approaches you regarding Facebook, this is how I think you should handle the situation:

Son: Mom?

Mom: (pretend to be doing something important, like reading Mom to Bee)

Son: MOM?!

Mom: Yes, light of my life. Apple of my eye. Fruit of my loins?

Son: Mom, why did you email (fill in the whore’s name) with just a period. She’s really upset.

Mom: Bobby/Jimmy/Timmy, first of all, I never meant to upset (fill in stupid bitch’s name).

Son: …

Mom: Secondly, I never meant to send her just a period. It was supposed to say “cuntbag.”

Son: (throws up in his mouth a little)

Mom: And lastly, Bobby/Jimmy/Timmy, I know you are redirecting your rage and sadness on to me right now and that’s okay. I understand what you are going through and you just let me know how I can help.

Son: Thanks, Mom.

Mom: Oh, and I also keyed (fill in loser slut’s name)’s car.

Signed,
I told you no one should ever ask for my advice.

Song title: Bad Advice by Chicago


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