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Wild Urge to Ramble

23 Mar

Alright, Interwebs, due to being as sick as a dog (whatever that means), having tweaked my back during this last weekend’s wedding, and just in general wishing that I could climb in to bed and not come out for a few days, I don’t have much for you today. Besides rambling.

Rambling, I can do.

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Got an interesting “compliment” at Saturday’s wedding. The DJ and I were trying to figure out when the last time we worked together was. We couldn’t remember if we had children then or not, so we decided it must have been while I was pregnant because he noticed that I am “considerably smaller than I was then”.

Uh, thanks?

And just for shits and giggles, I looked up that wedding date just now. Yeah, I was 4 months postpartum. I’m going to look for the silver lining and whatnot and just be happy that I’ve lost that baby weight since the last time I saw him.

A year and a half ago.

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It’s that time of the month again. The sit-around-waiting-to-be-pregnant-or-start-bleeding time. Due to my god damn stupid basal thermometer dying mid-cycle, I don’t have a good idea of when I ovulated, so who knows if there is a little Cletus the Fetus in there or not… I figure since this is the one month that I’m not freaking out over every single twinge I feel, then I totally will be prego. But who knows? Not I.

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Did I tell you about the coolest shit I found on Google Anal-tics? I’m always looking for new ways to stalk my tens of readers and I found the coolest thing – a map that shows me where everyone is reading from!

You can even see the exact cities too!


So let’s first discuss something important…

What the fuck is up with South Carolina, Delaware, Montana, Wyoming, South Dakota, Nebraska, New Mexico, Kansas and Alaska? Not a single reader?!

I mean, to be fair, I did have to look up what the names of half of those states were, because, really, all those ones in the middle? Not really my targeted audience.

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Okay, well, that’s all I got for you today, Interwebs. As always, if you have a topic you’d like to hear my thoughts on, feel free to email me at!

As soon as I kick this cold thingy, I’ll be back to my bitchy sarcastic self.

I promise.

Wild Urge to Ramble by Blue Highway

Dancing Queen

12 Jan

“You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen 20 months…”
Out of the 100-ish weddings I’ve been to in my life, I think I’ve only been to maybe 4 that I wasn’t in some capacity working. It’s actually a good thing because, since starting my wedding business about 5 years ago, attending a wedding as a guest is pretty painful.

Like, you know when you are planning your wedding and some one says, “Hey, don’t worry about it! NO ONE will notice…” Yeah, sorry to burst your bubble, but I will notice. And pick it apart. In my head, anyway (and to Mr. Bee later in the evening).

So when we got to go to a wedding this last weekend, I was pretty stoked to see what the bride will be wearing, who the vendors are, etc.

This wedding was even better because it happened to be one of those weird Small World Coincidences that kind of creep me out. The Groom was Mr. Bee’s cousin, but the Bride was a chick that I went to junior high and high school with. The Bride and I were friends when we were like 13 but since then, not so much. So I never thought that I’d (1) ever be invited to her wedding and/or (2) be related to her (albeit, by marriage).

Anywho, the wedding itself was pretty uneventful. My favorite part, though, was the beginning of the ceremony. Their officiant was also the emcee and dj for the night. Oh yeah, he was “that guy”.

His ceremony opener was to talk about what love and marriage meant to the Bride and Groom. (and I quote paraphrase)

“The Groom thinks that love is doing something for the other person even when it might not be the right thing for yourself.”

Really, though? Like…getting married? Aaaaaaaaawkward.

It also didn’t help much that the Groom’s mother was something more appropriate for a funeral than a wedding. (another aaaawkward…)

Anywho, the rest of the night was pretty uneventful except for one little thing:
How cute, right?
No offense to the Bride (okay, maybe a little offense since you *did* completely frickin’ ignore me when I tried to be all nice to you during the receiving line), but Baby Bee stole the show! She was totally in the zone that night and had just about every woman in the building sighing in adoration.

Here she is cutting up a rug with Mr. Bee and I:
Dancing Queen(Sorry for how blurry the photo is!) I had no idea she was so obsessed with dancing, but any time I got exhausted needed a break, she would freak out and start yelling “Dan! Dan! Dan!” (Translation: Dance! Dance! Dance!) while pointing to the dance floor.

We ended up leaving the party at 10 p.m., but I think our little party girl had many hours of dancing left in her. I can’t wait to see what fly moves she has for weddings we’ll be attending this coming summer!

Song title: Dancing Queen by ABBA

It’s Not Over Until It’s Over

30 Dec

Seriously, is it over yet?
Sorry I’ve been totally MIA. After three family celebrations, now I’m tackling my (maybe) last wedding (ever). It’s on New Year’s Eve so the pressure is really on.

I promise I’ll be back soon with countless tales of Gifts Gone Bad and The Wacky In-Laws. Until then, I’ll leave you with a premature Wordless Wednesday.
So true.
This is sooo how I feel right now. It’ll be over soon, right?

Song title: It’s Not Over Until It’s Over by Balance of Power


24 Sep

So this is why I do what I do…Obviously this kind of feedback is really what I need after my previous post!!

From an email send this evening:

I have honestly never come across a wedding coordinator who is as personable and real as you are. It was absolutely refreshing and both [of us] commented on what a pleasure it was dealing with you.

I almost think I need to fall in love with coordinating again. This email helps! I think I’m going to take on a full-planning wedding or two this next summer – I’ll keep you updated on the hi jinks that will ensue!

Song title: Feedback by Janet Jackson

Wedding Day

22 Sep

Fer Reals?
So I don’t post much about it in fear that one of my clients might happen upon this blog, but when I’m not wiping up spit out food off the floor or poop off of Baby Bee (hers, not mine), I like to fancy myself a wedding planner/coordinator. (<-- That's me working! I have a clipboard and everything!) This last weekend I had a great wedding. The only problem was that it was almost 2 hours away from Chez Bee. So round trip that’s 4 hours. Add in a rehearsal a few nights before and now we’re talking 8 hours of driving for this one wedding. AND, I was silly enough to plan a shopping trip with Sissy to a mall that is another hour and a half away. And coming home during rush hour with The Fair’s last weekend AND a Maroon 5/Counting Crows concert about 10 miles away from my house, I was in the car that day (mostly stuck in traffic) for another four hours.

So, if my math serves me right, this last week I have been in the car about 185 trillion and a half hours. It was fucking ridiculous.

But I digress. What I really wanted to talk about today is the really stupid wedding guest.

“What?!” you say? “Wedding guests are stupid?!?! Could it be true?”

Oh yes. It’s true. Let me give you a few examples:

The “I’m too good to RSVP” Guest
This wedding guest has a complete aversion to making a check mark on a piece of paper and inserting it in to an addressed stamped envelope. Apparently this requires to much physical exertion. You will be required to Vulcan mind melt with this guest in order to figure out if they are coming and who they are bringing. The ITGTR Guests also reserves the right to be totally pissed when there is no seat reserved for them and/or they can’t find their escort card. Since you didn’t RSVP, you don’t have a reserved seat, beeyotch! Deal with it.

The “I can’t read” Guest
The No-Child-Left-Behind Program has not been successful for this sadly illiterate guest. Despite signs that say “Reserved” or “Reserved for Bridal Party” or (and I shit you not, this is exactly the wording I used on a reserved sign for two ceremony chairs this weekend) “Reserved for Ceremony: DO NOT SIT“, the “I can’t read” Guest will sit in that seat. I’ve even had two old hags sit at a reserved sweetheart table for the Bride and Groom! When I asked them, in my dripping-with-sugar-sweet voice, to kindly get their asses to a different table, the old bats actually gave me lip and said there was no where else to sit! I’m sorry, what?! So I should make the BRIDE AND GROOM sit elsewhere?! Don’t make me kick your frail 80-year-old ass out of that seat, because I will! Ask around.

The “Sorry I’m late, but too bad” Guest
This untimely fellow will appear not 10 to 20 minutes early, like all of his fellow, respectful wedding guests, but instead will arrive precisely in the middle of the wedding processional. And I even plan for late-comers and start my weddings 5 or 10 minutes late! But the SILBTB Guest can not be thwarted with such planning! He will arrive, with friends, just before the bride is about to walk down the aisle…AND HE WANTS TO WALK IN TO THE CHURCH/DOWN THE AISLE BEFORE HER!! When asked to stand back and wait for the Bride to go down the aisle before he sneaks in behind her, the SILBTB Guest will either politely obey, rudely and grumblingly obey, or just walk down the aisle anyway! Hey, I have an idea? Why don’t you try getting to the church on time, douche bag! Don’t know how long it takes to get there? Here’s a thought: MapQuest. Or Google Maps. Or buy a fucking watch.

The “It’s not white, it’s ivory” Dress Wearing Guest
Okay ladies, if any person, under any circumstances, could ever possibly interpret your dress as being white, ivory, cream, egg shell, ecru or any other color in the white family, DO NOT WEAR IT TO A WEDDING! You’ve got to have one other dress that is appropriate for a wedding that isn’t the same color as the Bride’s!!

The “What’d she ask me to do? Eh, I’m not going to do it anyway” Guest
Okay, so this is pretty much all wedding guests. What the hell is up with guests that just completely ignore you when you are just trying to do your job?! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve approached a group of people and kindly asked them to take a seat for the wedding/join us in another room for cocktail hour/make room for the Bride and Groom to enter the room/dance/cut the cake/etc., just to have them take one look at me, smile, and then promptly disregard whatever I just asked them to do. I’ve had people jokingly comment to me that coordinating wedding guests must be like herding cats. It’s worse. It’s like herding a bunch of blind, deaf teenage cats. Who are drunk.

So next time you’re at a wedding, think of your hard-working wedding coordinator who is just trying to make the whole shindig run smoothly. Oh, and see that sign? You can’t sit there.

Song title: Wedding Day by the Bee Gees

I Saw A Man And He Danced With His Wife

20 Aug

A little belated, but super duper Congratulations goes out Brain Twin, who got married this weekend!

Crazy beautiful, right?

If you want to follow her journey as a married lady, check out her blog: YuMarried.

Bamber, please note that I purposefully am holding back on posting the photo of your beau picking his nose right in front of the camera. However, I will hold it as blackmail against him if the occassion arises. LOL!

Song title: I Saw A Man And He Danced With His Wife by Cher

Hurt So Bad

29 Jun

**UPDATE: Sweet Jesus, that post had some typos in it! I think I caught them all, but please forgive my ridiculous grammar, sentence structure and obvious lack of a thesaurus**

Wedding Day
Despite the ridiculously warm weather, yesterday’s wedding went off without a hitch! (Photos to come as soon I get some!) Well, I guess there was a hitch…I was stupid enough to wear my stupidly fugly but supposed to be comfortable new shoes for the first time. All those ladies shaking your head in disbelief of my stupidity – you’re soooo right. I have not one, not two, not three, but…wait for it…FIVE blisters on my feet from my shoes. By the end of the night, I was cringing with each individual step I took.

But, on the plus side, the venue loved me. I guess they had a really bad experience with a day-of coordinator last week – they were an hour and a half off schedule by dinner. For those not married or in the industry, that’s a crazy amount of time to be off-schedule. Like, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. So to have me with my Type-A anal-retentive to-the-minute itinerary was a dream come true to them, I guess!

Jesus Thinks You’re A Jerk
I’m a little worried that I’m using up some strong song titles all in one post…

I am very happy to announce that I have given out my first “douche” card! I know that all of you read each and every post in your stalker-like devoted manner, but just in case you missed it, Bear (one of my super cool Lovely Lady Friends) got me these for my birthday a few months ago:

I gave out my first card anonymously (really, did you think I had the chutzpah to actually directly hand one to somebody?!). At my new “home”/shelter/abode (saying apartment kind of makes me throw up in my mouth a little), we have one assigned covered parking stall per apartment. There is probably 2-3 uncovered spot for each group of 5 covered spots. But these uncovered spots are all first come, first served.

2 days ago, some asshole fellow apartment dweller decided to get his storage container (see left) delivered to one of the closest uncovered spots, thereby “squatting” in a stall, if you will. This, of course, forces me to park in like friggin’ Portland and have to carry my 85 bags plus Baby Bee like a Sherpa through the parking lot and then climb the three flights of stairs to get to my apartment (gag).

So the next time, Neighbor McDoucheyPants goes out to his storage unit, he’ll see a nice little black business card awaiting him. Maybe next time I’ll have the cajones to actually hand one to someone. Yea, not likely…

Song title: Hurt So Bad by Alicia Keys; Wedding Day by Bee Gees; Jesus Thinks You’re A Jerk by Frank Zappa

Where Did You Go?

27 Jun

Where you at son?
The drawback with having a blog that strangers stalkers people read is that they actually notice when you don’t blog for a few days! Mama Bee has been crazy busy this week, but don’t worry my little honeys, I’ll be back and blogging before you can say “WTF, there is nothing on television tonight…”

Home Sweet Home
We have a possibility for a new home but I’m trying really hard not to jump the gun. But…I’ve pretty much already decided where all our furniture will go and which rooms to paint. *sigh* I’m kind of a retard that way – I simply do not have any patience.

We found this new home in a new-fangled tube of internets kind of way. While obsessively searching websites for any new homes on the market, I found Zillow. It’s a great website for searching for homes on the market but they have an even cooler feature: the Make Me Move price. How it works: a home owner who hasn’t put on their house on the market can list a price that they would move for.

So the house we found has a Make Me Move price listed. Now this “asking price” is totally over market price (but not far off from what we were expecting to pay). I emailed them through the site and we’ve been exchanging emails ever since. We toured the house this week and really like it. An added plus is that the homeowners are super cool too – we actually ended up chatting for more than a half hour after we toured the house! I don’t know if they are sold on our offer, but we’ll see how things go in the next few weeks…

Are You Really Sure You Think You Can Dance?
I have to start this segment by saying I really really am a fan of this show. I even took Nana to Everett last year to see the tour. Did you catch that? I went to Everett for this show!! I think that speaks for itself.

But really? Seriously?! Since when have we interpreted “dance for your life” as “turn in a bunch of circles snapping your fingers and try to incorporate about 8 trillion random leaps”? At least Comfort brings it every time she has to “dance for her life.” And speaking of, as far as I can tell, when the dancers fail their solo, not one has been put to death! I’m not necessarily complaining, but false advertising, anyone?

And, while I’m not a huge fan of Cat Deeley, I don’t really have anything against her. With that said, can she please learn how to say “girl” correctly? How many times must we hear about “One Guy and One GULL” being eliminated? Really, Cat? Are water foul really participating?

And dear God, STOP HAVING THE PRE-TEENS IN THE AUDIENCE YELL “JUDGES”!!! I’d rather hear you talk about “gulls” all night that hear you pronounce “jew-gez” and then giggle after the thoroughly rehearsed audience says it with you. I would buy each 13-year-old in the audience a new Walkman or Hypercolor shirt or whatever the hell kids like these days just to have them react with complete silence the next time Cat plays Simon Says with them.

Ding! Dong! Ding!
Yep, those are wedding bells you’re hearing! My work season has officially begun tonight with the first wedding rehearsal of the summer! Things went super well – I’m always shocked when everyone shows up relatively on time.

Tomorrow is a full day of wedding and I think this one will be really great. The bride and groom have always been so easy-going and organized so I can’t imagine anything will go astray (excuse me a second while I go find some wood to knock on in my laminate-covered apartment).

Oh yeah. Did I mention that tomorrow is supposed to be in the mid-80′s, maybe even mid-90′s inland? While some of you enjoy sitting in your air-conditioned house or even in the shade somewhere, please take a minute to think of yours truly dressed to the nines and running around like a headless chicken in the bright sun for 8 hours…

Song title: Where Did You Go? by Boyzone

Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall…

3 Apr

Must. Not. Say. Anything. Inappropriate…
What? You want to interview who? ME?! That’s right, folks. This Saturday, I will be interviewed for an article in my city’s newspaper! The article is about having a Dirty South wedding (okay, that’s not exactly how the reporter worded it…) and how to keep things budget-friendly. This is so exciting!

One of these days, I’ll actually get a Media page going on my work website. Since I’ve been in business, I’ve been in The Knot Magazine – Seattle at least once (I know I’ve been mentioned online for at least two weddings) and mentioned in Modern Bride magazine in an article about the term Bridezilla. This will be my 3rd print media exposure! Yay!