Mom to Bee

You know what makes you totally feel like an alcoholic?

You know, besides drinking a ton of the alky on a regular basis.

Being pregnant.

Can I get a holla, moms??

During both pregnancies, the thing I craved the worst was just a chug sip of some booze juice. With Bee, I craved red wine throughout the entire pregnancy and I don’t even LIKE red wine! This time around any liquid with an alcohol content was the Bella to my Edward.

(Twilight reference! Woot!)

So when Mr. Bee and I were out shopping for last minute baby supplies for Bug months ago and I saw these:

Giddy up, cowboy.

I knew for months that at some point I would definitely need to be testing my boob juice for the hooch. Little did I know that “some point” was a few weeks ago.

See, Arla-Shay finally turned 21 (muuuaaahahahahahahahahaha!) so Sissy and I thought we’d take advantage of the event to celebrate.

If by “celebrate”, I mean “get totally fucking wasted on moonshine.”

And wasted we did get.

Did I mention that despite having been friends for going on eleven years now (holy shit balls!), Arla and I had NEVER gone out drinking together before?

When we met, I was a wee young lass. A wee young lass that, for whatever reason, was adamant that drinking underage was not for me. Go me! By the time I was legal, we lived a college campus apart, which to our lazy asses was apparently too far to cross in order to hang out. Once we reconnected years later, one and/or both of us have been too pregnant to drink. Meow meow.

So yes, there was some drinking the other night.

Let’s just say that some people might have thrown up. Some people also might have suffered excruciating hangovers that left them feeling like they had (and I’m quoting here) “twenty headaches simultaneously.”

But not me, young Padawan.

(Star Wars reference. Double woot!)

Which was awesome, but also left me suffering from some serious survivor guilt. But yay for no puke, right? Because, girlfriend, I drank.

Well, okay. Here was my first drink…

And the sad part? After this HALF OF A COCKTAIL, I was druuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunk. As a skunk, people.

Three and a half Mai Tais later, I was pretending to be possessed by El Diablo in an elevator and drunk texting Arla’s husband about anal sex.

You know, pretty much just another Saturday night for me.

Once we got back to our hotel room, I used said breast milk testing strips to see if I had to pump and dump or if I would be able to save the Liquid Gold for my sweet little Bug. I’ll let you make the call…

THINGS TO NOTE:
1. The two bottom colors below the line are safe for baby. The two top colors (the darker colors) mean your breast milk is not safe for baby.

2. What does it mean when your breast milk turns the test the darkest shade of black you’ve ever seen?

3. I was so drunk that, at the time, I thought this photo was totally in focus.

Needless to say I had to dump this batch or risk the breast pump catching on fire due to the flammable fumes.

But that night was totally worth the lost Liquid Gold.

From what I remember, anyway.

Song title: Get My Drink On by Toby Keith

Because I’m boring and don’t have much to chat about today besides the fact that my nervous stomach has come back in full force (fuck you, anti-anxiety medication), I’ve decided to take today a little easy by doing this Google Image Search Post. All you do is go to Google images and choose photos to go with each category…

My Favorite Beverage

maybe with a side of…

My Hometown

F-Dub! HOLLA! Our old house is just off the left side of this photo.

My Favorite Television Show
Yes.

Oh, you wanted me to be specific? It’s like trying to choose my favorite kid (which is thankfully easy right now)…

My Occupation(s)
Mostly…

With a bit of…

and a dash of…

And yes, J Lo’s depiction of my profession was totally spot on. All we do is look around dreamily while stealing the groom from the bride. Which is really difficult when you are busy getting your heel stuck in random manholes around town.

My First Car

Dudes, it was all about the DeLorean-esque louvers on the back window. Super fly for a white guy.

My Favorite Dish

I would gladly sell my left nut to eat Crispy Cali Rolls from Umi Sake House in Belltown every single day for the rest of my life. And by “my left nut” I really mean Mr. Bee’s left nut. Sorry, honey, but thems good eats.

A Celebrity I’ve Been Told That I Resemble

Mr. Bee’s other nut could go for that haircut. Or, you know, I could just make an appointment at Gene Juarez…

A Celebrity on my “To Do” List
There are many, so I’m going to make it a three-way tie (or just a three-way! Bow chica wow wow!) between
and

minus that dead guy in the middle, of course.

My Favorite Children’s Toy

It took the power of Facebook for me to remember the name of this classic, but it was always my favorite game!

Any Random Photo

When I typed in the word “Random” to the Google Images Search, this seriously is the photo that popped up. I’m not kidding. Apparently you don’t search for Chuck Norris, he searches for you.

What I Am Doing Tonight

Like you’d expect any less of me? Or any more, as the case may be.

Song title: Easy Skanking by Bob Marley

This last weekend, Mr. Bee and I were honored to witness a wonderful friend of ours get married. The wedding was absolutely stunning.

I mean, it was a little embarrassing for the bride. A beautifully tented reception with an open bar, delicious food, a handmade engraved cigar bar (made by the father of the groom for the event), followed by dancing and a fireworks display? All hosted at the bride’s parents’ home on the water?

Can we say ghetto?

I mean, really people. We were really slumming it this weekend.

We tried to class the place up the best we could, but there only so much two people can do, you know?

I spent days and days searching for the dress I would wear to this event. Ann Taylor? Nothing. Banana Republic? Nothing. J.Crew? Nothing (that doesn’t cost $800 plus an ovary).

Finally I hit Nordstrom and found a dress that not only included the wedding color (purple) but unbeknownst (that’s totally a word right? Fuck you, spell check.) to me until this weekend, was actually the exact wedding colors!

With an outfit picked out and a few days to the big event, everything was going swimmingly until I realized…

It’s August.

As in we-started-trying-to-get-pregnant-NINE-fucking-months-ago August.

It’s actually gone by fairly quickly. When May came along and we had our trip to Vegas, I had expected to be about 3 or 4 months pregnant by then, but hey – now I could drink in Vegas so happy, happy, joy, joy for me, right?

Then came July and I needed to get a colonoscopy. Since you can’t be pregnant and have the procedure, we tried to fit it in to the schedule without missing an opportunity to knock me up. Well, that didn’t work out so well and we ended up missing our window of opportunity (or as I like to call it the “hump like bunnies” window) for July.

And now it’s August.

And I had always just assumed that the dress I would wear to this wedding last weekend would be a maternity dress. In fact, I kind of assumed it would be a LARGE muu-muu styled maternity dress, because (duh) I would be super pregnant by now.

Well, wrong.

And before you go all “Oh. Em. Gee. Things totally happen for a reason.” (because, gag) or “It’s totally because you’re fer reals stressing about it. You should just goooo with the floooow.” (because shutthefuckup, kthnxbei), I have to say that I’m handling it pretty well. Obviously.

Okay, so “Patiently Waiting” might be an overstatement…

But here is something to consider: Since we’ve started trying, which (side note) is kind of an understatement, right? I mean, if I “try” to do the dishes, it doesn’t involve strategic planning, timing, daily temperature taking, charting of said temperatures and it hardly ever requires much lube.*

Anyway, since we’ve been “trying”, not one, not two, but THREE of my close mommy friends have give birth to their little bundles. And at least one other mommy friend just found out that the goddamn Stork will be visiting her in about 9 months.

I can’t help but think that every month that goes by means my Bee and my (hopefully) future Baby Numero Dos will be further and further apart in age. I know it’s not the end of the world (quoting Aunt Becky, “SOME PEOPLE DON’T HAVE ARMS!! BE HAPPY THAT YOU AT LEAST HAVE ARMS!”), but I always thought that three years would be the furthest apart I would want the kids. Sissy and I are three years and one month apart – exactly what Bee and Bebe Numero Dos would be if I were pregnant now – and I just think that timing is perfect.

But, I guess in my heart, I know that we’ll get knocked up with the time is right. (gag. I can’t believe I just wrote that)

The silver lining? I’m really enjoying discovering new wines right now.

So by next year, I’ll either have a baby or cirrhosis of the liver.

Either way, my body will be a mess.

*I cringe on the inside knowing that my dad is going to read that. Hi Dad!

Song title: Patiently Waiting by 50 Cent

For more of my thoughts on the Gosselins, check out this recent post!

Like the Brady Bunch, only in reverse.

Have you heard this rumor about Jon & Kate Gosselin (I always think their last name is Gosling, I don’t know why)?

Apparently, Jon & Kate Plus Eight might be changing to Jon Minus Nine soon.  According to InTouchWeekly.com, Jon and Kate might be on the brink of divorce due to Jon spending more and more time away from home and partying with college girls.

Okay, first of all, how about if we all just get honest and say it: If they are considering a divorce, it might have something to do with the fact that they HAVE EIGHT CHILDREN. Sometimes Baby Bee makes me want to pack my bags and head out for a pack of smokes (aka: a permanent vacation in Mexico), so I can only imagine want having 8 kids will do to you!

Those of you who have watched Jon & Kate Plus Eight know that Kate isn’t always the sweetest wife to Jon. But really, who is? Don’t tell me that you never interrupt your husband or call him a dumbass.

Shit, I do that on a daily basis.

Okay, but maybe I don’t do it on national television.

But I probably would, given the opportunity.

Anywho, whether or not they get  a divorce, Kate will probably still irritate the hell out of me.

Because if I had 8 kids, I’d be exactly like her.

Song title: Grounds for Divorce by Elbow

I’ve got big news!

My blog can now be found at www.momtobee.com!!

I won’t take down the blogspot blog right away, but I’ll probably start posting the new stuff on the new Mom to Bee.

I’m still trying to figure out WordPress (seriously thinking about jamming a fondue fork in to my right eye), so give me a little slack when it comes to random retardedness on the new site.

Start updating your reader subscriptions now!

Song title: Big Time Operator by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

(Stolen from an email forward)

Some doctor on the TV this morning said that the way to achieve “inner peace” is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, tha mainder of a botl Prozic and Valumscriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fikin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

Song title: Peace Is Just A Word by the Eurythmics