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The Stalker’s Blessing

16 Jan

Okay, I’ve tried my best to keep my big, HUGE, RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME news to myself until I recap this week’s episode of The Bachelor, but I just can’t hold it in any longer.

That’s what he said?

My story begins about a month or so ago when Mr. Bee invited me to go on a business trip with him. See, Mr. Bee is a Vice President within his company and occasionally he gets to go to this Executive Summit thingy in pretty awesome locations. The last one I went to was BC (Before Children) and we stayed at a beautiful resort on Coronado Island off of San Diego.

I wasn’t sure if I would make the effort to attend this year’s meeting (buying plane tickets, finding sitters for the kids/dogs – oh, yeah, we have two puppies now!) until I found out where the meeting was located this year…

photo courtesy of

Holy balls, guys.


No joke, people. We are staying at the Fairmont Biltmore in Santa Barbara! “What’s so fancy about that?” you ask. Well, first of all, the CHEAPEST room you can book there is…wait for it…SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS A NIGHT!

I don’t know about YOU, but this will be, without a doubt, the nicest and most expensive hotel I have ever stayed in…and it’s FREE!!

The reason I tell you this isn’t to brag (okay, it’s to brag a <i>little</i>). You see, a few days ago, Mr. Bee received an email from work about Things To Know Before You Go. Like the closest airports, where to park, dress codes on any particular evening.

What really caught my eye, however, was at the very bottom of the page.

Screen Shot 2014-01-16 at 8.40.56 AM


Okay, so big deal, right? After perusing the email, I didn’t give any of the info much thought.

But wait a second…

A wedding on January 26th? That’s a Sunday. Huh. Kinda weird, but not really.

But didn’t I know of some other wedding happening on a Sunday sometime soon?

It took me a little while, because, let’s be honest, I’m not the brightest bulb in the lamp store. Did you figure it out already?

photo courtesy of

ohmahgod ohmahgod ohmahgod


I shit you not, folks.


I’ll let that sink in for a moment.

Holy fuck, amiright?!

AND since the wedding is being live telecast on ABC, I even know WHEN to expect the wedding to begin (about four hours after our arrival at the resort).

So, needless to say, I will be blogging the SHIT out of this thing! And attempting my very best to get photos, video, a lock of hair from Juan Pablo and/or Chris and/or Arie (oh yes ladies, THEY WILL ALL BE THERE!).

Okay, I am freaking myself out again right now. My heart pretty much has a seizure, my brain is melting and my ovaries exploding at the very THOUGHT of seeing JP, Chris, Arie, Chris Harrison in person…

Jesus Christ, people. I need some advice! What do I wear? What do I say if I happen to meet someone of Bachelor/ette lore? How can I possibly infiltrate the event without (1) tossing my underwear at JP, (2) getting arrested, (3) getting Mr. Bee fired, or (4) all of the above?





Song title: The Stalker’s Blessing by Dawn

Seasons of Love

28 May

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

Another year, another birthday! So many things have happened this year, I think I can only write about it in numbers…

365 days
Roughly 800 cups of coffee (and that’s being veryconservative)
One kindergartener (how’d that happen?!)
One preschooler who cracks my shit up on a daily basis
3+ old friends lost
2+ new friends gained
10+ shots of vodka (and that was just last Saturday)
One epic family vacation to Disneyland
~10 art/craft shows
1 new business website
1 old business closed (my wedding planning company)
1 blog seriously ignored

As always, this post is to weakly promise my return to the blogosphere (shit, is that even what the kids are still calling it? OMG LOL WTF BBQ)

And, most importantly (because fuck the kid/family updates), A NEW SEASON OF THE BACHELORETTE JUST STARTED and guuuuuuuurl, it is a TRAIN WRECK. Like dudes in suits of armor and trying to sleep with the Bach on the first night kind of train wreck.

Yep, it’s (HASHTAG) hella awesome.

Song title: Seasons Of Love Lyrics by Rent Cast

Mr. Cool

24 Oct

DISCLAIMER: I’m pretty sure this post has PMS written all over it, so please feel free to skip it unless you enjoy hearing me bitch about people i don’t know.

So the other day I was reading a blog that, get this, was complaining about their popularity. It seems this particular blog had so many readers that the blogger was overwhelmed by the pressure to write and just really felt like complaining on the blog about his or her popularity.

Are you fucking kidding me? Too popular? And you’re complaining about it? How many bloggers out there it would just kill for thousands upon thousands of readers to visit our blog everyday? And you’re complaining about it ?

Next they’ll be complaining about how big their houses are or how much money is coming out of their asshole when they take a shit.

Do those people not understand what lowly bloggers like me would give to be able to share their stories, their jokes, their honesty with more people on the Interwebs? And I don’t mean for money or fame. Just to spread the fun and inappropriateness.

Of course, that would probably mean I would need to blog more than once every two months…

Anyway in response to the “oh no, I’m too popular, listen to me complain. Wah wah.” blog, fucking get over it already and enjoy your popularity before it’s gone.

Song title: Mr. Cool by Kevin Ayers

Drink The Kool-Aid

8 Sep

As a shameless self-promotion by an admitted attention whore (hello, I’m a blogger, right?), I’m celebrating my 100th Facebook Fan with…wait for it…A GIVEAWAY!!

What do you get?

Grand Prize:
A $25 Gift Card to Le Target!

Runner Up Prize:
2 8-packs of Naughty Betty greeting cards

Honorary Mentions:
When you just have to tell people how awesome you are…

You know those times when you totally deserve a Thank You and you never get it? Well, here’s a little something you can pass off to those assholes…

So how do you go about scoring these Full of the Awesome Items (trademark!)?

Uh, you have to be my blog whore, obviously. It’s this simple:

You get 1 point for being a Facebook Fan of Mom to Bee.

For additional points, all you have to do is whore me out on your Facebook page! Make sure you like to the Mom to Bee page so I can count your whoring. This is unlimited whoring, people. 1 point per link. The most links wins.

If you don’t know how to tag in your Facebook status update, check out this help page!

Contest ends…eh, how about Tuesday, 8pm PST?

Well, what are you waiting for! Whore away, my beloved minions!!

P.S. I super love each and every one of you and don’t you forget it or I will kidnap you, tattoo it on your forehead and leave you in a bathtub full of ice, possibly missing a few organs. I mean, shit, how else am I gonna afford all these totally lame bad ass prizes?

Drink The Kool-Aid by Ice Cube

The Dance

25 May

I swear to all that is holy that I am working on not only a Vegas post but also a Bachelorette Episode One: Look at all the Crazies (working title). The entire Bee Family suffered from what I can only consider proof that Satan is behind, among other things, the stomach flu.

Puke. Everywhere.

It was foul. And exhausting.

Until I get some more posts hammered out, please enjoy this quick video of Bug shaking his groove thang to Billy Ocean’s Get Out Of My Dreams Get In To My Car

Song title: The Dance by Garth Brooks

Meet the Trolls

11 May

We all know ‘em. We’ve all read their posts.

An angry commenter.



Trolls (or people who just look like one).

It seems like we’ve had some, let’s call them, dissenters on the blog recently. Whether they are denouncing all anti-clown-ites or simply sharing their opinion on a topic, these “trolls” (the blogosphere’s word, not mine. I’d call them douche canoes.) are always welcome to share their worldly points of view on the blog.

Because, don’t get me wrong, I love comments. Every time someone comments on m2b, an angel gets it’s wings. And I also love a good debate. A good intellectual debate. I mean, I went to law school, for Christ’s sake. It’s like professional fighting without the gaudy belts and breaking chairs over each other’s backs. Usually.

So before we have another “oh mah gawd, won’t someone think of the children” kind of outburst, I’ve decided to conduct a tutorial, if you will, on trolling. I mean, commenting.

How to be a Successful Commenter: Lessons in Internet Douchebaggery

Lesson One – Don’t open your comment calling the blogger/readers names
Even though I am obviously a huge fan of the George Carlin vernacular, you might risk offending someone (i.e.. the blog’s author) if you open your post with something along the lines of “Hey, you stupid mother fuckity fuck shit talker. Your father was a hamster and your mother smelt of elderberries!”

You might be surprised to learn that all words uttered after that lovely intro will sound very similar to Charlie Brown’s teacher to the reader. Mwah wah wah wah wah.

You may, instead, want to open with something along the lines of: “Helloooooo gorgeous. While you are almost painful to behold with your stunning and glorious beauty, I feel as though you are completely full of The Shit.”

In that comment, I will be too busy staring at my reflection in the laptop monitor to even notice, well, anything. Gawd, my hair looks good today…

Lesson Two: It’s Called Spell Check. Google It.
I apologize. You might not have understood that last sentence. Let me rewrite in a form you may understand:

Itz cawld spel cheek. Gogle it.

Whether you are attempting to rip me a new asshole or simply trying to express a dissenting opinion, it would really benefit you to use this fancy new technology: SPELL CHECK. You could have an IQ of a thousand and four, but if you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” you instantly lose all credibility and I will henceforth be laughing so hard at your grammar that I will likely pee myself a bit.

Lesson Three: Have a Sense of Humor, for Christ’s Sake
If you are reading a humor blog, it might behoove you to expect some…wait for it…jokes. You’d think this would be fairly obvious, but you’d be surprised.

Some of my favorite bloggers discuss using dead kittens as mittens for the homeless and preschool teabaggers (wow. Let’s see what freaks find my blog because of that phrase…). If you aren’t a fan of my views on religion, politics or the occassional case of butt worms, let me please clue you in on a little secret…


Even I’m guilty of this from time to time. I love reading a particular blog because I find it disturbingly entertaining what a trainwreck her life is.

Hey, I’m not perfect okay. You have Housewives of Atlantis, I have my crazy mommy blogs.

But I am also wise enough to not post comments like “Wow. You are fucked up. Get a life.” on someone’s personal blog. I don’t have to go there. I don’t have to read it. And to post something like that is just (1) mean, and (2) asking for trouble. Just don’t do it.

In the end, if you read trashy blogs, don’t complain about the trash. And dear god, if you read this blog, please don’t expect me to be PC. Because that’s fucking retarded.

Song title: Meet The Trolls by Phredderiffic

To The Readers

14 Apr

At the risk of sounding like I’m drunk, I love you, man. Each and every one of you, whether you agree with me or not.

Nothing brings me more joy than making you smile and/or hopefully laugh your ass off at my fucked up shenanigans. And if I can encourage you to open your mind or, at the very least, reflect on your beliefs and opinions, well, I can’t ask for anything more.

I love you guys. It is such an honor making you smile while you read my drivel on the toilet.

Pinch one off for me.


Song title: To The Readers by Yesterday’s Rising

Hello Again

9 Mar

Hello again, hello!

Oh my babies. My sweet, squishy little blog babies. How I’ve missed you so!

Although “missed” might be an understatement.

Maybe something closer to oh-my-god-I’ve-almost-had-a-mental-breakdown-not-blogging-for-so-long.

Something like that.

While I sit in this surprisingly loud cafe, typing away to my delight, I will give you this little amuse bouche to wet your appetite for some bloggy goodness.

Or at least some bloggy mediocrity.

Let’s not get our hopes too high here, people.

I'm a Mario!

What? Like you don’t spend your spare time dressing up like Mario and Peach?

Song title: Hello Again by Neil Diamond

Access Denied

12 Jan

So a little birdie told me that people at my Dad’s old company have been getting a message like this when they try to read Mom to Bee:

First of all, I think it’s totally hilarious that my blog has been blocked because I assume it’s either due to the content or the number of people reading the blog during working hours. Either way? Full of the Awesome.

Plus, now we know The Company’s view on blowing out your vag and/or colon (I’m guessing “Anti-”).

On a positive note, if you happen to fall in to the category of My Company Doesn’t Realize the Whiz-Bang-ness of Mom to Bee, do not fear. You still have plenty of options! Just follow these simple steps:

(1) Tell your boss to fuck off.

(2) If #1 doesn’t work, try subscribing to Mom to Bee via a reader, such as Google Reader.

(3) If your company is still being a doucher and denying you access to blog readers, you can subscribe to get every post as an email delivered directly to your inbox! JUST CLICK HERE, add your email address and *poof* Interweb Magic.

(4) Go laugh at your boss at attempting to thwart your vag-blowing, colon-exploring, baby-pooping, anxiety-diarrhea-exploding enjoyment.

You’re welcome.

Song title: Access Denied by Consequence

Everything Back But You

17 Nov

Sweet Jesus, the last few days have been exhausting. Mostly because I have been mourning the loss of my Mom to Bee Facebook Fan Page and all that I had recorded for posterity’s sake on said page.

I mean, how else will the future generations read my important and world-altering insights on butt cameras and crazy pills?

But worry not, my friends! WE’RE BACK!!

If you like reading the deep, dark and sometimes entertaining thoughts of yours truly, click on the link below to “Like” the Mom to Bee Page!

And remember, sharing is caring, yo.

Also, hugs not drugs.

The One & Only Mom to Bee Fan Page

Song title: Everything Back But You by Avril Lavigne