Mom to Bee

Open scene on a messy suburban kitchen.

A disheveled mother fixes lunch for her, up until then, pleasant two year old daughter.

The lunch will consist of chicken noodle soup and, well, chicken noodle soup.

Martha Stewart I am not, people.

As the mother and child sit down across from one another, the daughter adamantly refuses to eat after a mere two or three bites.

A strange quiet blankets the kitchen and surrounding areas.

A pair of tumble weeds blow by.

And so begins the Lunch Stand-off of 2009.

Her two chief weapons: horrible fake crying noises and snot dripping out of her nose.

My two chief weapons: fear and surprise. And my complete indifference to her suffering.*

The challenge: succeed in forcing her to eat one. Last. Bite. Of lunch before getting down from the table.

She fake cries.

She real cries.

But I hold strong. My will cannot be broken.

I reason with her, “One last bite and you can get down and play,” in my best sing-song voice.

And she refuses.

I give her ultimatums, “You eat this bite or you are going in time-out.”

And still, she refuses.

I give her, well, no choice in the matter, “You are staying in this seat until you eat this one. Last. Bite.”

I can feel my strength weaken as I remember the days, oh so many days, that I had to sit at the dinner table long after every one else had left, because I hadn’t finished my meal.

But, no. Even if just on principle, I will win this battle today. I will be victorious!

I motion her over, to come sit on my lap so I can clean her gushing snot out of her nose and reason with her yet again. As she sits on my lap, instantly I am wet.

She has peed through her diaper. Her diaper that I’ve been begging her to let me change.

Touché, my friend. Touché.

A diaper change and one last attempted force-feeding later, it’s straight off to bed. No milk or story. Noodle still uneaten. Carrot smooshed in to the laminate floor.

And as I sit here, in the comfy chair, surrounded by nothing by the hum of the laptop and dishing washer running, I can’t help but feel that I’ve won. But also lost.

It’s a draw this time, little lady.

Next time, you’re all mine.

*If you get the Spanish Inquisition reference, you are fucking awesome.

Song title: High Noon by Frankie Laine

Found a great product today at Sally Beauty Supply:

GiGi Microwave Tweezeless Wax facial hair remover

My first experience waxing at home and it was simple, easy, and I still have eyebrows, which is a plus!