So this post was going to be all about how Bee is being the biggest terror ever right now and how it’s most likely a direct result of the impending “hatching” of Cletus the Fetus from my womb.

But instead, I have to tell you about the worst interview ever I am witness to right now. Apparently, today is interview day at Panera. One by one, teenagers are straggling in, some dressed up, some, well, not so much.

To be fair, it is Panera.

And let me tell you, they certainly need some help today. No orange juice (what the what?!) and then their Wi-Fi is down??! Don’t even get me started. How the hell am I supposed to enjoy a nice quiet breakfast without Facebook and Perez Hilton?! Jesus.

But at least they didn’t put meat on my goddamn bagel.

Anywho, as I went up to the counter to inquire as to the wi-fi situation (which was answered with, “Uh, we don’t know what’s wrong. It’s like always just kinda…there, you know?” Uh, yeah, that’s genius.), I noticed a kid/teenager walk in. He didn’t look like a total hoodlum, he had a button-down shirt on, albeit untucked.

Let’s just say he looked sketchy enough that I was keeping one lazy eye on my netbook and breakfast sitting in the corner. Don’t ask which one I’d choose, this morning it’s a toss up. I’m fucking hungry, yo.

So after getting my highly-informed explanation of the wi fi situation, I sat on back in my comfy chair only to observe that said hoodlum was actually part of the interviewing teens for who-knows-what job here at Panera. Luckily, the assistant manager (who I have to say was maybe twelve years old) sat them down only a few tables away. From here, I got to listen to the most unimpressive interview evar.

Seriously, you’d think this kid was being forced here by his parents (which, I guess is a possibility). He mumbled every answer which, if it consisted of more than four words was shocking. My favorite answers?

Question: What do you look for in a workplace?
Answer: Uh, fun.

Question: How would your friends describe you?
Answer: Mmmm…social?

Question: What do you expect as a customer?
Answer: Huh?

All with the most uninterested tone in his voice. It was pretty awesome.

Needless to say, the interview lasted only about three minutes, which has got to be some sort of record, right?

I mean, I’ve been to some pretty awful job interviews but at least I think I forced some sort of feigned interest in the position I was applying for.

I at least even pretended I was interested in some random insurance company internship one summer during college where it appeared that they used college students as indentured servants. Seriously, these Office Space zombies looked like they would eat my brains if I showed up on the second day, which, as you can guess, I did not.

What is your worst job interview story?

Song title: Interview With a Child by Chris Gestrin

Yesterday, I had a dream.

It was a simple dream…

See, yesterday was supposed to be the first Tuesday in months that my Mommy’s Morning Off was actually going to be OFF: No doctor, No therapist, No acupuncture.

Just me, the laptop, Panera and the blog.

In my dream, you, my lovely reader, would have already finished a hilarious post that made you pee yourself laughing while simultaneously stroking your junk heartstrings with it’s common-every-woman-ness.

But my jacked up, hot mess of a body had other plans for me…

Monday morning I woke up with a swollen and painful right eye. I forced myself through the day, but by Tuesday morning I decided to call my eye doctor when I looked a little too much like this dude:

So instead of my sweet little blog ménage à quatre, I spent the morning being driven to the eye doctor by Mr. Bee and being diagnosed with an eye infection.

But the most super awesomeness of it all?

Now I get to spend a week in my glasses, having been banned from wearing my contacts.

“So what?” you ask, innocently. “You’ll just look like a nerdy, hot librarian for a week. Deal with it.”

Well, true, my friend. But…

But…

My glasses are like one tiny prescription below where I need them to be. So that means I’m more of a squinty, confused librarian.

Oh, AND when we moved last, apparently I thought the safest way to pack my hardly-ever-used glasses would be to wrap them in diamond-crusted sandpaper after grinding them in to some gravel and letting two drunk cats with sharpen claws bat them around for a few hours.

My point?

They are scratched to hell and back.

So while this week didn’t exactly turn out as I had planned, at least I can spend my time hunkered down in my house dreaming about a non-infected next week.

Fingers crossed.

Song title: Just a Dream by Carrie Underwood

This morning marks Day #2 of my food poisoning fun (otherwise known as Mama Bee’s Record Breaking Pooping – if you call shooting water out of your ass “pooping” – Day).

It’s almost as if the universe knows that I need blogging material and sent a nice batch of colon evacuating bacteria my way.

You’re welcome.

Today is also my Mommy’s Morning Out Tuesday (otherwise known as I Have The Awesomest MIL In The Universe And You Are Totally Jealous Day).

Luckily for me, that means I can spend the morning in my pajamas tucked away in the bedroom bathroom while Bee spends the morning watching westerns with Grandma.

Unluckily for me, that means I get to spend the morning that would have originally been spent shopping and having a follow-up appointment with my crazytown nurse on the toilet instead.

So I’ve traded one form of explosive shits for another.

Oooh, the irony.

Song title: Hose Me Down by Save the Wawona