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The New Workout Plan

10 May

Today I was fat shamed.

Today I was that my body, as-is, isn’t good enough.

Today I almost punched a three-year-old in the face.

Picture it: A bright and sunny morning at the park. Bug and I decided to spend a few minutes at the local park before heading to drop-off for kindergarten (our kindergarten starts almost an hour later than the rest of the school…don’t even get me started…).

Upon arrival, I notice that our timing coincides with the local mommy-stroller-workout-group. Moms are unpacking strollers from cars and starting to congregate while their children play on the big toy. I sit down while Bug starts climbing when I’m approached by a young boy.

Incorrigible (read: learn some manners, Kurt) Boy: Hi! Are you here for the mommy-stroller-workout-group?

Me: (all smiles) Nope! I’m a lazy mommy!

IB: You should workout. Do you workout? You should workout. Have you worked out before?

Me:
momtobee_face1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IB: My mom is here to work out. You should work out.

Me: …(stares at phone trying to will him away)…

IB: Have you ever worked out before?

Me: yeah…

IB: You should work out. You need more muscles. My mom works out all the time. When she’s not working out she’s at home.

Me: mmmm hmmmm… (thinking: go away)

IB: Do you work out? *MY* mom has worked out for TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTY YEARS!!

By this point I’m *this close* to yelling “YOUR MOM ISN’T EVEN TWO THOUSAND YEARS OLD SO THAT’S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE, DUMMY!”

But luckily it was time to load up and leave for school. So once again I have dodged verbally assaulting young children in public. #winning

Song Title: The New Workout Plan by Kanye West

Whatever You Say

3 Jun

Kids say the darnest things, right? Like Bug telling me repeatedly that only my friend can drive her minivan because “you too big”.

That’s right, folks. I’m officially too big to fit in a minivan.

fuck you kid! I’m down 18 pounds and counting this year!

But once in a while (read: hourly), Bug says the most hilarious things. And it’s not only contextually funny, it’s also his awesome pronunciations of average words.

For example, Bee used to say Ganks (Thanks), Hangabur (Hamburger), and Pah-Pah-please (Please). The last one came from her never saying “thanks” and us prompting her with a “Pah…? Pah…?”!

But Bug is apparently from New Orleans or something because everything gets extra syllables.

Mouth = May-yowth
Face = Fay-yace
Bed = Bay-yed

And so on and so forth. It’s pretty flippin’ hysterical. This all just adds to his overall demeanor; it’s pretty much like living with a drunk midget.

A drunk midget who wears Depends.

Song title: Whatever You Say by Martini McBride

These are the Days

11 Sep

Right now, Bee is beginning her first full week of Kindergarten (full day, thankyouverymuch) and Bug just went down for a nap that should last for a good two or three hours.

So this is what heaven feels like.

I’m now sitting on my couch, watching TiVo’d episodes of Leverage and eating an ice cream cone for lunch. You know why? Because I fucking can, that’s why! And no one is gonna ask for one or try to eat mine!!

I seriously can’t believe I get this every single day now! I’ve even done two loads of laundry. And without Bee around interrupting me nonstop, I remembered to add detergent!

Ahh, life’s little joys.

Song title: These Are The Days by Sugarland

Crab Man

21 May

Bug attempts to crab walk for the first time. I *might* have accidentally peed myself watching this on repeat.

UPDATED TO NOW FEATURE…wait for it…A VIDEO!!

UPDATE #2: This fucking autocorrect makes me sound like I’m blogging while having a stroke. I apologize.

Song title: Crab Man by Magni Wentzel

Program Director

2 May

As my parenting techniques consist mostly of PBS, Disney Jr, Nick Jr and whatever other “Jr.”s are out there, I’ve been increasingly annoyed at an abundance of kids programming on tv. Here are just a few things I’ve noticed:

- As I’ve posted on Facebook, Dino Dan is obviously suffering from a psychotic break and desperately needs to be on anti-hallucinogenic medication. The only redeeming feature of this show is how totally annoyed the adults seem to be with Dan and his dinosaur obsession.

- As proof of Dino Dan’s ridiculousness of a show, please view exhibit #1: the worst ventriloquist EVER.

- If Little Bear’s parents are fully clothed in human clothing, why do they let their child run around naked everywhere?

- On that note, why does Special Agent Oso wear full pajamas for sleeping, but rocks out with his, um, bear out only wearing a vest when on his special missions?

- Sid the Science Kid’s family is obviously on mushrooms.

- How do the Bubble Guppies light campfires underwater?

- Does the map on Dora the Explorer have short term memory loss or OCD? If no, then why does he have to repeat “I’m the map!” 800 times per episode? Is it some sort of behavioral therapy?

- The writers of Strawberry Shortcake really need to peruse the Urban Dictionary: last week Strawberry sat down at a cafe and ordered a “tossed salad”. She then was very specific about how she liked her “tossed salad”.

- LazyTown is the shit nightmares are made of.

- Dear Super Why, You can’t just CHANGE fairy tales to fit your stupid problem. Changing the words/story negates whatever stupid lesson they are trying to teach you in the first place! Dumb ass.

- Stitch, from Lilo & Stitch, is the WORST role model for children in a movie EVER! I’d rather have my children watch Saw.

- Finally, of course, the #1 mystery plaguing children’s television: why the hell doesn’t Cailou have any hair?? And is every character on the show related because they are all the exact same person, with different hair.

So those are mine. What kid’s shows confuse/irritate/drive you to drink and why?

Song title: Program Director by Oars of Evolution

Urine Trouble

12 Sep

Nothing says “Thanks for the bath, Mom!” like a puddle of pee on the bathroom floor during toweling off.

Song title: Urine Trouble by Gloominous Doom

I Love My Baby

15 Aug

My dearest Bug,

My sweet, squishy, playful, exceeds any adjectives, Bug. I simply refuse to believe that you have been in our lives for more a year already.

Where has the time gone?

From the very moment we knew, after months and months and MONTHS of trying, that we were finally pregnant with you, I knew our lives, our family, would never be the same.

Like most parents, I wondered how I could find the space in my heart for another baby. Your sister was all we knew, how would this new baby fit in to our lives?

What we didn’t expect was how our hearts exploded with love for you from day one. Could this boy with the delicious dimples and mischievous twinkle in his eye be all mine? Not a day goes by that I don’t want to eat you up, “from your toes all the way up to your nose”. Seriously, it should be illegal for kids to be as adorable as you are.

From a mushy little bundle to a walking and really-attempting-talking toddler, this year has been full of milestones! You already have six teeth and it seems like you are constantly working on more. Your favorite foods would have to be cereal bars and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (both of which I’m sure I will still be feeding you by the time you are old enough to read this letter. Martha Stewart, I am not, honey.).

I tried to think of your favorite toy but hands down I think your sister wins over any truck we own. You and your sister would play 24/7 together if you could. God help us if you sleep in past an acceptable time for Bee because she will get so impatient waiting to see her little brother in the morning!

I just consulted with your sister and she insists that she “is NOT a toy!”

Your daddy and I are so lucky to have such a wonderful little man in our lives and I look forward to seeing how you’ll grow, learn and expand my love for you every single day.

I love you to the moon and back, Budders!
Mama

Song title: I Love My Baby by Nina Simone

The Dance

25 May

I swear to all that is holy that I am working on not only a Vegas post but also a Bachelorette Episode One: Look at all the Crazies (working title). The entire Bee Family suffered from what I can only consider proof that Satan is behind, among other things, the stomach flu.

Puke. Everywhere.

It was foul. And exhausting.

Until I get some more posts hammered out, please enjoy this quick video of Bug shaking his groove thang to Billy Ocean’s Get Out Of My Dreams Get In To My Car

Song title: The Dance by Garth Brooks

Kids Aflame

3 May

So this last weekend, I decided to take los bebes to my parents’ house about 60 miles away.

By myself.

I’ll just let that sink in for a moment.

Done laughing?

Yeah. It was fan-fucking-tastic.

At least the ride down was anyway.

For the first thirty minutes of the hour and a half drive, the kids were great. Cute. Giggling at each other. Being relatively tolerable.

And then the crying began.

To be fair, it was mostly Bug. Mostly.

It was then that it occurred to me that Bug is simply incapable of handling a car ride longer than twenty minutes before morphing from mah precious liddle bebe in to a hell demon.

I had already dealt with about thirty minutes of crying when, while scanning radio stations, Bug quiets down to one particular tune.

By the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Kill me now. Fer serious.

Add in a sprinkling of Bee wanting my attention every two minutes while driving in traffic and I was this close to slitting my wrists with my bluetooth headset.

Okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad. I don’t want to be melodramatic, but let’s just say that I would’ve rather walked the 60 miles to my folks’ house.

Barefoot.

On shards of glass.

Pulling a car Biggest Loser-style.

Needless to say, Mama is counting the milliseconds until Vegas.

Only 240,800,000 to go…

Song title: Kids Aflame by Arms

Boobarella

23 Mar

Well, it’s official, y’all.

Bug is totally weaned.

((commence guilt trips for weaning him from the boob before his 12th birthday))

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could’ve kept breastfeeding longer. Things were going well (besides him thinking that my nipples were toys and forcefully trying to rip them off of my body). Believe me, I lose sleep over it.

Oh wait. I don’t. Because the little bastard sleeps through the night now that he’s on bottles.

(Dear Future Bug, Mommy loves you and only uses the term “little bastard” in the most loving way. Also, you totally owe me a boob job and tummy tuck. Love, your Mommy)

But the great part about weaning?

The intense, eye-watering pain.

Seriously folks, I feel like someone replaced my mammary glands with concrete. Maybe shrapnel-coated concrete.

THEN I made the mistake of letting Bug take a drink to release some of the pressure.

That was a GREAT idea.

It pretty much felt like he was using a Dyson to try to suck said concrete doughnut of a boob out my nipple. SUPER fun.

All sarcasm aside, can I tell you how great my lady lumps look right now? The combination of being full of roughly 12 tons of rotten milk and being able to give those babies a boost with an honest-to-God real bra has resulted in something I don’t regularly get to enjoy (on myself anyway):

Cleavage.

So if you see me walking down the street (okay, driving. You know I don’t go outside unless it’s about freezing. In my world, freezing = under 70 degrees.) with my boobs hanging out of my top, just smile and wave. I gotta do whatever I can to distract from this gigantic third and fourth boob my stomach is making as it cascades over my waistband.

Song title: Boobarella by Beer Bellies

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