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Whatever You Say

3 Jun

Kids say the darnest things, right? Like Bug telling me repeatedly that only my friend can drive her minivan because “you too big”.

That’s right, folks. I’m officially too big to fit in a minivan.

fuck you kid! I’m down 18 pounds and counting this year!

But once in a while (read: hourly), Bug says the most hilarious things. And it’s not only contextually funny, it’s also his awesome pronunciations of average words.

For example, Bee used to say Ganks (Thanks), Hangabur (Hamburger), and Pah-Pah-please (Please). The last one came from her never saying “thanks” and us prompting her with a “Pah…? Pah…?”!

But Bug is apparently from New Orleans or something because everything gets extra syllables.

Mouth = May-yowth
Face = Fay-yace
Bed = Bay-yed

And so on and so forth. It’s pretty flippin’ hysterical. This all just adds to his overall demeanor; it’s pretty much like living with a drunk midget.

A drunk midget who wears Depends.

Song title: Whatever You Say by Martini McBride

Crazy Bitch (a Waiting Game update)

14 Sep

yeah, so, um, get ready for some crazy bitch mom antics from over here.

((waves))

Not only did Bee get separated from all of her friends (I know she will make more friends – we just LOVE these ones), but she also got the “playtime” kindergarten teacher.

Not the one I specifically requested a few months ago from the principal.

Yes, I AM that mom.

And now I get to be THAT MOM who marches in to the school office and demands that my kid get put in the class that I want her in.

Or I could just be engulfed by my vagina.

Get it? I could be a huge pussy?

((rim shot))

Most likely I will force Mr. Bee over to the school to discuss things with the principal since I’ve already done a bunch and I super suck at confrontation (see as reference: my life). Any suggestions from parents who have been in my position before and/or teachers who could suggest a way to not completely insult everyone and still get what I want?

Oh, and my name is totally going on that “moms who suck” list in the teachers’ lounge now.

Song title: Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry

Waiting Game

14 Sep

I have no idea who Bee’s kindergarten teacher is.

NO, I’m not an absent parent.

I prefer OBLIVIOUS parent.

See, Bee’s school operates a little differently. There is not one, but two full day kindergarten classes and for the first week of school, the teachers switch off teaching different groups of children. They switch and mix and mix and switch and then finally, TODAY, they choose who will teach which students.

Can you say nerve wracking?!

I won’t lie, I definitely have a favorite teacher. And yes, I am THAT parent who emails the principal declaring the giftedness of my child and my request for a particular teacher.

I’m assuming that email got me put on some “watch out for this nutcase” list posted in the teachers’ lounge. Probably with photos, doctored with mustaches and pirate eye patches.

So now today I’m sitting nervously wondering if Bee will be in the same class with her new beasties or not (because you know that her little 5-year-old world will collapse in a heap of what-the-fuck if she is not in the same class as her little Musketeers) and hoping and wishing and praying (as much as an atheist can pray, anyway) for my dream kindergarten teacher to snag my “gifted” Bee.

I wonder if her photo is up in the lounge too. She looks really good in eye patches.

Song title: Waiting Game by Van Morrison

These are the Days

11 Sep

Right now, Bee is beginning her first full week of Kindergarten (full day, thankyouverymuch) and Bug just went down for a nap that should last for a good two or three hours.

So this is what heaven feels like.

I’m now sitting on my couch, watching TiVo’d episodes of Leverage and eating an ice cream cone for lunch. You know why? Because I fucking can, that’s why! And no one is gonna ask for one or try to eat mine!!

I seriously can’t believe I get this every single day now! I’ve even done two loads of laundry. And without Bee around interrupting me nonstop, I remembered to add detergent!

Ahh, life’s little joys.

Song title: These Are The Days by Sugarland

Crab Man

21 May

Bug attempts to crab walk for the first time. I *might* have accidentally peed myself watching this on repeat.

UPDATED TO NOW FEATURE…wait for it…A VIDEO!!

UPDATE #2: This fucking autocorrect makes me sound like I’m blogging while having a stroke. I apologize.

Song title: Crab Man by Magni Wentzel

Smart Patrol

15 May

So this morning we had a kindergarten evaluation for Bee at the school she will be attending in the fall. Needless to say, I fully expected her to either (1) rock it, or (2) freeze up under the pressure and attempt to climb back in to my uterus while weeping hysterically. Luckily, it was the former.

When another parent was getting the rundown of how her son had performed, I couldn’t help but eavesdrop. Well, what I mean is that I totally eavesdropped for the purpose of comparing her son to my daughter.

The biggest issue I have with the upcoming school attendance is trying my hardest to avoid sounding like “that” mom. You know, the one that we all hate because she thinks her kid should be in MENSA while the rest of us wonder how a kid can eat that much paste/crayons/boogers/dog food without having a serious medical reaction. Even using the term “gifted” makes a significant amount of bile rise in to my throat.

But that’s definitely what Bee is. Luckily for me, I still have the idiot savant, Bug. But I’m just kidding, that statement is not entirely fair.

He hasn’t quite displayed a savant-ness yet…

Song title: Smart Patrol by Devo

PS: Obviously I don’t really think that Bug is an idiot. To be fair, when Bee was his age, we were worried that she was going to be crawling down the aisle at her wedding!

Crazy Babies

13 May

The other day the kids and I were hanging out at Arla-Shay’s, as we normally do on any given weekday, when we overheard our spawn having this exchange:

M: I came out of my mommy’s ‘gina!!

Bee: Mine was easy as pie! Bug gave mommy a line (c-section scar) but I only gave mommy little lines (stretch marks).

Then the girls proceeded to decide who among them would have babies when they grow up (the are planning a lesbian wedding already! We’ve taught them well.)

Song title: Crazy Babies by Ozzy Ozbourne

Program Director

2 May

As my parenting techniques consist mostly of PBS, Disney Jr, Nick Jr and whatever other “Jr.”s are out there, I’ve been increasingly annoyed at an abundance of kids programming on tv. Here are just a few things I’ve noticed:

- As I’ve posted on Facebook, Dino Dan is obviously suffering from a psychotic break and desperately needs to be on anti-hallucinogenic medication. The only redeeming feature of this show is how totally annoyed the adults seem to be with Dan and his dinosaur obsession.

- As proof of Dino Dan’s ridiculousness of a show, please view exhibit #1: the worst ventriloquist EVER.

- If Little Bear’s parents are fully clothed in human clothing, why do they let their child run around naked everywhere?

- On that note, why does Special Agent Oso wear full pajamas for sleeping, but rocks out with his, um, bear out only wearing a vest when on his special missions?

- Sid the Science Kid’s family is obviously on mushrooms.

- How do the Bubble Guppies light campfires underwater?

- Does the map on Dora the Explorer have short term memory loss or OCD? If no, then why does he have to repeat “I’m the map!” 800 times per episode? Is it some sort of behavioral therapy?

- The writers of Strawberry Shortcake really need to peruse the Urban Dictionary: last week Strawberry sat down at a cafe and ordered a “tossed salad”. She then was very specific about how she liked her “tossed salad”.

- LazyTown is the shit nightmares are made of.

- Dear Super Why, You can’t just CHANGE fairy tales to fit your stupid problem. Changing the words/story negates whatever stupid lesson they are trying to teach you in the first place! Dumb ass.

- Stitch, from Lilo & Stitch, is the WORST role model for children in a movie EVER! I’d rather have my children watch Saw.

- Finally, of course, the #1 mystery plaguing children’s television: why the hell doesn’t Cailou have any hair?? And is every character on the show related because they are all the exact same person, with different hair.

So those are mine. What kid’s shows confuse/irritate/drive you to drink and why?

Song title: Program Director by Oars of Evolution

Been So Long

21 Mar

Dude. You still there?

Didn’t mean to leave you hanging like that. You know, how like 9 months ago I kind of dropped off the planet, taking a totally unintended sabbatical-like thingy from blogging?

I could point fingers at my mother-in-law for selfishly taking care of one of Mr. Bee’s aunts, who is in dire need of aid during the day. How rude, amiright? Or I could accuse the crotch parasites of, well, you know, LIVING.

But really? I’m just a total lazy ass who has lacked all inspiration as of late. Oooh! That’s it! My stupid kids aren’t being funny enough! BINGO!

Anywho and whatnot, I suppose you probably would be interested in a quick crotch parasite update. To answer everyone’s burning question: will there be a THIRD Bee/Bug to grace this mad, mad world of ours?

To put it as eloquently as possible…HELLS TO THE FUCKING NO!

I lurv my babies but I swear to god if I ever have to fruitlessly struggle to get a baby out of my vagina again, I will throw myself off of a cliff.

Subtle, yes?

Can I tell you how hilarious my kiddos are? Bee is almost five (gasp) and cracks me up with her ever-growing vocabulary. Okay, so maaaaaaybe some of the words aren’t really something to brag about: lately, she has taken to gasping whenever she’s forgotten to do something followed with, “Dammit! I forgot to (fill in the blank)!”

I have NO idea where she got that from.

Probably her father.

And Bug? Lordy. He is so freakin’ hilarious. When they tell you that all kids are so different, I’ll admit, I thought “they” were full of shit. But these two kids? For example: Bee was spelling five letter words (luckily she skipped the FOUR letter ones! ::rim shot::) by the time she was Bug’s age. She, however, was still crawling.

Bug, on the other hand, is an Olympic athlete compared to Bee, but his vocabulary pretty much consists of “blerg” and “bah-ga”. Don’t even ask me what those mean. I usually interpret it to mean, “Mom, you look exhausted. Why don’t you go rest and/or surf Pinterest for a few hours.”

Bug is a very considerate little boy.

Everything at Casa de Bee is pretty much the norm. Mr. Bee is still chock full of ailments. I’m pretty sure the only thing he is missing at this point is leprosy (fingers crossed!). At some point, we need to start a Medical Bingo club because we’d have some blacked-out cards by now fer sure.

I have started yet another business. I might have whored myself out to you mentioned it at some point. It’s called 6433 creative and I’m having a blast creating graphic art and paintings. It occurred to me sometime last fall that it’d be super fun to actually get paid to do something I love. And since it didn’t look like the League of Stay-at-Home Mothers would be distributing any dividends any time soon, I decided to attend of few small craft shows. Those small craft shows led to the Starbucks Holiday Bazaar and then, a few weeks ago, I took the plunge and had a booth at the Northwest Women’s Show in Seattle. It was SO. MUCH. FUN. I met some awesome ladies and it’s really helped business (so far)!

So, that’s where I am now. Painting. Mommy-ing. Surfing Pinterest for more ways to clutter my house with crafts.

But hopefully soon I’ll get in a car accident or have plastic surgery or something so I have something to write about.

Just joking on the car accident.

Song title: Been So Long by Brian McKnight

Bad Dream

26 Oct

Most of the time, I can’t figure out how to explain to childless individuals how simply amazing being a mom can be. I think this may work though:

Last night, as I was putting Bee to sleep by singing our nightly songs (SEVEN songs, to be exact), Bee declared that she was mad.

You see, lately Bee has decided that any negative attitude can be explained by nightmares the previous night (whether or not nightmares actually occurred, of course). So I began explaining how she could simply tell her bad dreams that they were meany jelly beanies and that she was going to be happy anyway and wouldn’t let bad dream make her mad anymore.

Bee’s response was to throw her arms around me, snuggle close and say, “…or you could gimme lots a hugs…”

Yep, that works for me.

Song title: Bad Dream by Keane

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