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The Buzz

30 Jul

Don’t forget to enter our very first Giveaway for free Tea children’s clothing!

Seriously, it’s free stuff, people! Don’t get lazy on me now!!

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After being told that I need to post far more often to appease the masses (read: the two people that actually read this piece of shit blog), I’ve decided to create “The Buzz”, which is a fun bee-related way of saying “You are about to read a bunch of random shit that won’t make up an entire blog post and will probably not be at all entertaining.”

See how “The Buzz” is far more catchy?

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The other day, a friend of mine, while describing the blogs she reads, compared me to…wait for it…The Bloggess.

Needless to say, I wet myself a little.

And then realized that my friend must be popping pills to think that I am in any way as funny as The Bloggess.

Or illiterate.

Could be both.

A Text Message To The So-Called Emperor

13 Jul

Because I have nothing else for you until poo starts to explosively shoot out of my butt this evening (and, oh yes, I will be blogging from the toilet), please enjoy a text conversation I had with my Sissy last night as I sat around waiting for a wedding to end.

Sissy: Watcha doin 2morrow?

Me: Starving myself and shooting poo out my ass. You?

Sissy: Oh, yeah. Sorry to be missing out on *that* parade!

Me: You could come down and watch! Front row seats! Bring your face shield and nose plugs.

Sissy: I was gonna say I could be your right hand man. Ew, I even gross myself out.

Me: Luckily for you, my right hand does all the wiping. PS: It’s colder than my vagina outside. Brrr!

Sissy: I’ll trust you on that vag temp. Call me later or 2morrow when u r on the crapper.

Ahh, the sweet words of love from one sister to another.

I ::heart:: my Sissy.

Song title: A Text Message To The So-Called Emperor by Project 86

I’ll Tell the World

9 Feb

I’m trying to figure out a funny way to tell my friends and family that we’re pregnant (when it happens – don’t freak out on me; I’m not pregnant yet!). Last time, Mr. Bee sent out an email to our friends:

Subject: Life-altering Health Issue

Dear Friends,

I don’t mean to catch you off-guard by any of this, but (Mama Bee) has a doctor’s appointment soon and we may have less than 8 months left. We don’t think it’s contagious, but we’re pretty sure I gave it to her (don’t worry, I don’t expect to give it to anyone else). If it turns out she got it from someone else I’ll be very upset.

(Mama Bee)’s appearance may be significantly affected and our lives will definitely be changed forever.

We will need your support and encouragement during this terrifying time (for Kola [our dog at the time]). No, really. Baby toys scare the shit out of her.

- Mr. Bee

I definitely need to start brainstorming…

Song title: I’ll Tell the World by Ever Stays Red

Pop Quiz

25 Nov

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night I got to see my favorite comedian at the Paramount!

JEALOUS?!?!Kathy Griffin is sooo my type of humor. Crass, blunt and fucking hilarious. I realized that I should create a friend questionnaire for people when I first meet them. Something like this:

Question #1:
Do you love Kathy Griffin?
A: Yes, everybody can suck it!
B: Goodness no, She is far too offensive.
C: Shit, I don’t know.

Answer Key
Mostly A’s: 800 points. You are my new BFF.
Mostly B’s: -5,000,000 points. What the hell is wrong with you?!
Mostly C’s: 0 points. Actually -5 points for the indecisiveness, but +5 points for swearing.

Song title: Pop Quiz by Stereolab