Call The Doctor

28 Apr

Warning: despite being told that The Internets could never hear too much about me and my ass, the following post could possibly does contain way too much information about my butt and what comes out of it.

Consider yourselves warned.

Yesterday, I did something that’s taken me over 9 years to do.

I went to the butt doctor.

Okay, yes, it’s really called a gastroenterologist (not a proctologist, thankyouverymuch), but it’s just funnier to call it a butt doctor, right?

For a little back story, ever since college, I have suffered from sporadic abdominal cramps. And I’m not talking “Oh, ow, this hurts a little” stomach cramping. I’m talking “Holy Baby Jesus, I’d rather be having another baby ripped out of my vagina than this horrible grasp-on-to-the-towel-rack-in-the-bathroom” kind of cramping.

Needless to say, it’s super fun.

It’s even funner (my blog, my grammar, so suck it) when you are trying to take care of a 2 year old.

Or driving.

Super. Duper. Fun.

So I made my way in yesterday to the doctor to attempt to unravel the riddle, nay, the enigma that is my butt problems.

I was excited for the appointment, I won't lie...

I was excited for the appointment, I won't lie...

Before my appointment, I had to fill in some paperwork for their records. My favorite question on the form?

Patient Form
I was SERIOUSLY tempted to write in something absolutely ridiculous, but I’m nothing if not professional so I wrote in “Mrs. Bee with the exploding butt problem.” I didn’t want to be TOO formal…

Since it was just a let’s-talk-about-your-bowel-movements type meeting, nothing really invasive interesting happened. But we did start towards figuring out what’s going on by taking my blood, talking about a future colonoscopy (not excited, but not surprised to have to get this done) and, oh wait!, they also wanted me to poop in a cup.

Like, right at that moment.

I don’t know about you, but I do not have, in my long list of impressive talents, the ability to shit on command. It’s kind of the opposite. Now, if they would have said, “Okay, you absolutely CAN NOT poop right now!” sure enough, I would’ve had plenty for them to sample.

Gross, I know. But I *did* warn you.

So instead of demanding immediate poop, they gave me this nice little container to take home.
Poop Container

Let me stress “LITTLE” container. I won’t go in to details here, but I am not looking forward to packing my poop in to that tiny little thing.

Oh, and here’s the funny part, they want my poop to be less than an hour old when I drop it off to the lab.

You know, the lab that is about 45-60 minutes away from my house.

So, one of these days, please just ignore the woman driving like a bat out of hell, with poop fumes drifting off of her car, as she makes sure she delivers her sample to the lab before it self-destructs or something.

I’ll be the one taking my own picture while I drive.

Song title: Call The Doctor by Sleater Kinney

15 Responses to “Call The Doctor”

  1. Heather R. April 28, 2009 at 1:32 pm #

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OMG this shit is classic! Pun intended!

  2. Angela April 28, 2009 at 2:29 pm #

    LOL [Mama Bee]! love the way you write! i hope they figure it out for you. I can relate i have had many my share of butt doctor issues!

    Comment Edited to protect, well, myself! Geez, Ang, you almost gave me away!!

  3. Daniel April 28, 2009 at 3:06 pm #

    hey, when i had to do that, i had to poke and prod at my poo and shove a sample into a tiny vial everytime i went to the bathroom. let me tell you… not so fun!

  4. Krissi April 28, 2009 at 7:03 pm #

    OMG! I am so ROFLMAO!! This is by far the funniest post I’ve read in a very long time! Effin hysterical!!

  5. Sharla April 28, 2009 at 7:32 pm #

    Just wait until they bend you over the table and spread your cheeks. Barrel of laughs, and I want to hear all about it!

  6. Mrs.Musings April 28, 2009 at 7:45 pm #

    I just love your blog. And that…THAT…is too funny. I was so grossed out just to bring my dog’s poop to the doctor. I cannot imagine pooping in a cup myself. Amazingly…I can’t wait for the next installment. The internet is a wonderful thing.

  7. McBee April 29, 2009 at 9:59 am #

    Saw your link from Welcome to the Nuthouse. Had to stop by since your “mom to bee” and I’m McBee. Your blog is really funny!

  8. Betts April 29, 2009 at 5:05 pm #

    Maybe when you feel a poop coming on, you could get in the car and drive to a rest room near the clinic. Then you could deliver it while it’s still steaming. (Now that’s a piece of advice I never thought I’d deliver in a blog comment. Thanks for the new experience.)

    • Mama Bee April 29, 2009 at 5:28 pm #

      Nor a comment I would ever imagine hearing or needing on my blog! haha! Thanks for the good advice! :)

  9. Erin April 29, 2009 at 7:29 pm #

    Thinking of you and your ass during this difficult time.

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