Boobarella

23 Mar

Well, it’s official, y’all.

Bug is totally weaned.

((commence guilt trips for weaning him from the boob before his 12th birthday))

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could’ve kept breastfeeding longer. Things were going well (besides him thinking that my nipples were toys and forcefully trying to rip them off of my body). Believe me, I lose sleep over it.

Oh wait. I don’t. Because the little bastard sleeps through the night now that he’s on bottles.

(Dear Future Bug, Mommy loves you and only uses the term “little bastard” in the most loving way. Also, you totally owe me a boob job and tummy tuck. Love, your Mommy)

But the great part about weaning?

The intense, eye-watering pain.

Seriously folks, I feel like someone replaced my mammary glands with concrete. Maybe shrapnel-coated concrete.

THEN I made the mistake of letting Bug take a drink to release some of the pressure.

That was a GREAT idea.

It pretty much felt like he was using a Dyson to try to suck said concrete doughnut of a boob out my nipple. SUPER fun.

All sarcasm aside, can I tell you how great my lady lumps look right now? The combination of being full of roughly 12 tons of rotten milk and being able to give those babies a boost with an honest-to-God real bra has resulted in something I don’t regularly get to enjoy (on myself anyway):

Cleavage.

So if you see me walking down the street (okay, driving. You know I don’t go outside unless it’s about freezing. In my world, freezing = under 70 degrees.) with my boobs hanging out of my top, just smile and wave. I gotta do whatever I can to distract from this gigantic third and fourth boob my stomach is making as it cascades over my waistband.

Song title: Boobarella by Beer Bellies

3 Responses to “Boobarella”

  1. Erin March 23, 2011 at 11:12 am #

    You need to invest in some totally inappropriate tops to show those things off!

    • Mama Bee March 23, 2011 at 11:21 am #

      If only Forever 21 carried extra extra extra extra (you get the picture) large…

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  1. Exercising The Demons | Mom to Bee - March 24, 2011

    [...] now that I have weaned Bug off le bewbs, I am free to begin my uber-healthy diet plan consisting of starving myself and exercising my ass [...]

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