Belly Button Blues

10 Aug

I’m not very shy or modest when it comes to discussing my body.

Shocking, I know. I’ll give you a minute to really let that breaking news sink in…

Wanna hear about my explosive diarrhea, butt cameras or how long it took to sew up my vagina after Bee’s birth? No problem.

Even more shocking is that there actually is something that embarrasses the fuck out of me. That thing is…my jacked up belly button.

You see, before my womb became a porcelain chalice of crotch parasites, I looked a little something like this:

Okay, so that photo wasn’t exactly taken right before I became a baby machine. ::cough::so what if I’m only 18 years old in the picture::cough::

But do you see that tummy? That tiny, cute little belly button?

Well, after Bee, that belly button looked less like, uh, normal and more generally fucked up. Because Bee was my first baby, I just figured that us moms were doomed to having really ugly belly buttons after kids. I never really questioned it.

But after Bug was sliced and diced out of my stomach, I started harassing Mr. Bee more and more about my insecurity and wanting to have it fixed. And a tummy tuck. And a boob job.

You know, the regular.

Somehow through my Google medication education, I stumbled upon a lovely little term: umbilical hernia. Apparently, your belly button area is very susceptible to hernias because (1) it’s weaker there to begin with due to your own umbilical cord when you were all fetusy and (2) building in a kid in your abdomen kind of puts a little strain on, well, everything.

So my “huh, my belly button is really ugly” quickly was diagnosed by every doctor I’ve seen (except my OB/GYN who has seen said fucked-up-ness about 5 billion times and never mentioned anything) as an “oh yeah, you have a hernia!” within 1.2 seconds of seeing my stomach.

***WARNING: This photo even makes me throw up. If you comment anything but “I want to be like you when I grow up,” I will either become super stabby or dig a hole in my backyard and cry until I create a tear-filled water feature.***

Seriously, I can’t believe I just posted that on a public webpage. If anyone again ever insinuates that I am anything but upfront and honest of my blog, I will have to stab them in the eye with a dull spoon. You’ve been warned.

Anywho and whatnot, once a doctor said “would you like to have this fixed?” and I stopped dry humping their leg, I said “HELLS TO THE YES!” and now I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled for…today.

That’s right y’all. As you sit on your comfy couch, snacking on a tasty morning croissant and coffee, I am starving to death fasting for my surgery and probably doing some last minute calculations on how many Xanax I can chew before the surgery without killing myself.

Hopefully I’ll be able to slip the doctor a $20 and get a little snip and tuck while he’s down there.

I mean, it’s totally reasonable to expect this kind of After Photo, right?


Song title: Belly Button Blues by Wee Hairy Beasties

6 Responses to “Belly Button Blues”

  1. Erin August 10, 2011 at 6:45 am #

    You’re going to have to return all those tanktops for belly-baring shirts ;-) Hope everything goes smoothly!

  2. Lin August 10, 2011 at 7:07 am #

    If there’s one thing I’ve always loved about reading your blog it’s your honesty. I had heard about this but never actually seen it…hope your surgery goes well!

    • Mama Bee August 10, 2011 at 10:22 am #

      Thanks Lin!! That means a lot!

  3. Erin Wilson August 11, 2011 at 12:00 pm #

    Now you can be like Ashley and expose your midriff constantly.

    Here’s to you!

Trackbacks and Pingbacks

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  2. Where Have You Been? | Mom to Bee - October 10, 2011

    [...] Had surgery to fix my dis-gusting belly button. (2) Broke my big toe. Walking. I shit you not. (3) Caught a monster cold from Bee (thanks, [...]

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