“Because that’s what life is about. Straddling people. And things.”

18 Jan

We begin last this week’s episode with some sort of space-time-continuum issue because the editors skip the date card reading and go straight in to Clare racing out the door for her date with JP.

Seriously, my new friendo and Bach buddy, who herein will be referred to as 8-Mile, and I were freaking out and rewinding roughly one billion times to make sure we didn’t miss a single, precious second of the wonder that is Bach.

clare_headshotLet’s Chill
Anywho and whatnot, Clare (aka: She Who Shall Be There At The End) is off on a date with *sigh* Juan Pablo. While getting ready for her date, we learn a few things about Clare: (1) She likes Old Navy (I totally have that sequined tank she was wearing) and (2) girlfriend tears up a little too easily when discussing her love-life.

Don’t get me wrong, I would TOTALLY do the same thing. But I also wouldn’t be on a televised dating show.

So, the date begins with JP driving up in his obligatory very expensive sports car and presenting a blindfold for our dear Clare. All the other Bachelorettes immediately go all 50 Shades of Grey in their minds and are insane with jealousy.

Sidenote: Was I the only one thinking “What about all her makeup?! And her hair?!? Does he have no respect for the five hours she just spent getting ready for the date?” Lord knows, I would look like a fucking raccoon if I had a blindfold on me for that long.

After a relatively short drive, JP reveals a magical winter wonderland in the middle of L.A. We’re talking snow, vintage streetlights, and even a snowy hill for sledding! Oh, after he has Clare jump on his back for a piggy back ride.

Um, yes, please. Like five minutes in to the date and she already has her legs wrapped around him?! Score!

So blah, blah, blah, they have a great time sledding, snuggling, ice skating (if you can call Clare falling down on her ass every five seconds “ice skating”) and making snowmen.

As if watching JP be all cuddly and awesome wasn’t enough, then the couple get in to the hot tub and start massages…while discussing Clare’s dead father. ‘Cause, romantic!

Unsurprisingly, Clare gets the date rose and begins making out with JP.

Is this season like soft core porn or what? In a good way, of course. Pretty much anytime I see JP touch one of the girls, at least one egg gets released from my ovary. And that’s being conservative.

 

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…
While Clare is enjoying her Snowy Surprise, Amish Gone Wild has revealed that apparently she left her bikini tops at home and is just flinging her bewbies around for all to see. Jesus, what is this girl’s deal? Need attention much?

 

kat_headshotI Can Feel The Electricity
True to Bachelor style, Kat and JP go galavanting off in a private jet. Because tots obvs, that’s really what real life is like. I can’t even count how many times Mr. Bee has hired a private jet to fly me all over the world on date night.

Hint: none times.

Kat, on the other hand, seems to think this is TOTALLY what her life with JP, her Latin lover, will be like.

eyeroll.

Mid-flight, JP excuses himself and returns looking like a rave just threw up on him. But of course he still looks sexy because duh. Kat is very “oh but I don’t have anything to wear…!” Well, SURPRISE! JP has a skin-tight little number for her to wear as well!

Meanwhile, after the pilots get done vomiting over the adorableness happening behind them, they land the plane in…

Salt Lake City, Utah?

Uh, really? No offense to SLC, but…really?

But wait! It’s the location of an Electric Run! (FYI to local peeps: there is one coming up in August in Puyallup!)

Side bar, people. So I went to the Electric Run website to get that information, and this is the header for the “Seattle” run in August 2014.

electricrun_1

There are so many things wrong with this picture. First of all, that is NOT where Seattle is. Secondly, the race isn’t even being held IN Seattle. It’s in a city 30 miles south of it. Just because you are holding an event in Washington, doesn’t mean it should automatically has “Seattle” in the name.

Lastly, and probably most importantly, that yellow dot on the map? It’s right in the middle of a mountain range/rainforest. At least two hours away from where the race is actually taking place.

electricrun_2

Ugh. Okay, end rant.

Alright, where were we? Oh, yeah, the 5k dance party thing. It looks super fun! I mean, what part of grinding up on JP DOESN’T sound fun to you?

Blah, blah lots of dancing on stage. She gets the date rose. The end.

 

Screen Shot 2014-01-18 at 3.54.28 PM

Group Date with Chelsie, Christy, Kellie, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Ally, Chantel, Nicki, Elise, Lucy

Say Cheese
This group of girls were attacking this date like a horde of zombies in a…brain factory. Okay, that wasn’t my strongest analogy.

After a short ride in the crouch vans, the girls arrive at a lovely and romantic…warehouse. But wait, there’s more. The clever little clue on the date was to indicate a photo shoot for charity. Some guy who doesn’t realize that he has a teal goatee directs the woman back to meet their co-models (cute dogs) and see their costumes.

This is where it gets fun. See, some of the girls get to wear bikinis or extravagant ball gowns. Others, like Amish Goes Wild, gets assigned to a giant fire hydrant costume.

Screen Shot 2014-01-18 at 4.25.28 PM

Others apparently got to wear black face.

The big problem came when the first grade teacher and prosecuting attorney got assigned…signs.

Literally, nothing but signs.

Needless to say, they were NOT happy. First Grade Teacher eventually swaps with Amish Gone Wild, because obviously AGW would happily be naked 24/7.

Unfortunately, Prosecutor just gets screwed but after JP gives her a pep talk, she stereotypically changes her own desires for a dude. That she just met. On television. Hrmph.

But let’s cut to the chase. I know you all want to hear the run-down of crazy crazy Victoria. As if her chartreuse dress on Day One wasn’t enough, she decided to display her vodka-induced insanity for all to see.

“I just got here…I’m not hammered! I’ve had not even one glass of champagne. This is how I am sober. I’m just fun sober. And if anybody knows anything, Juan Pablo seems to love fun.”

“If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I’m gonna straddle him EVERY DAY! Cuz that’s what life is about. Straddling people. And things.”

In regards to her photo shoot: “Today I gave him the hymen maneuver. I saved his life. If I should totally get a rose for that. Everyone’s like, ‘oh you straddled Juan Pablo’. If you do the hymen maneuver and someone’s laying down and dying, you have to straddle them!”

Now remember, what follows was in NO WAY provoked. Seriously, NOTHING happened except a LOT of alcohol being consumed.

Victoria runs off to the women’s bathroom, followed by Saint Renee, and locks herself in a stall. St. Renee crawls under the stall door to check on her:

Oh, wait. I can transcribe what she said because most of it was totally garbled nonsense.

The poor producers are then stuck with an irate drunk chick yelling that she’s “Done. Done. Done.” while attempting to stop her from leaving, totally intoxicated, without shoes.

So what does she do? Runs back to the bathroom to lock herself in the stall.

Poor JP attempts to console her through the restroom door, but all she does is cry in the stall. And so ends a lovely group date. Oh, and thank GOD JP didn’t give the rose to Victoria. Phew! Kelly (black face dog) got the date rose.

The next day, when Victoria is all sobered off, JP kindly, but sternly, sends her packing (off to a rehab facility, one hopes).

Also discussed: Marvin the Martian has a two year old son (JP is thrilled). Renee has a son and is totally adorable.

Cocktail Cliffs Notes
Amy acts a fool while pretending to interview JP as a news reporter.

Sharleen apologizes for being rude to JP when he gave her the first impression rose.

Despite being absolutely gorgeous, Danielle wore some disgusting gold lame (the fabric, but it was also lame) long-sleeved, floor-length gown.

Marvin the Martian has a good cry about leaving her son and is consoled by Saint Renee.

Current Standings

bachelorettes

 
Next week: Oh good, more dates with bridges to jump of off.

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