Beauty Knows No Pain*

13 Apr

On Saturday, I did the unthinkable.

I paid money to have hair forcefully and painful removed from, well, you know, The Area (but just to clarify – sorry for the TMI – I didn’t get, you know, everything removed…I’m not *that* crazy).

I figured that since #7 on my list of Eights Things To Do Before Vegas was “Shave all noticeable body hair”, there was no time like the present to experience a professional wax job.

Let me start out by saying that I was Fucking. Terrified.

Actually, I was living in a complete state of denial (like, serious denial) until Friday night when some friends of mine disclosed that their first bikini waxes were, and I quote, “the worst pain I have ever experienced.” And this is coming from a woman who has experienced not one, but TWO natural childbirths.

Needless to say, cue the stomach-wrenching nervousness.

I immediately began thinking, “What the hell have I gotten myself in to?” What was I thinking?! Would I cry? Would I accidentally fart in the salon lady’s face? Would I instinctively punch the woman in the throat or scream “Kelly Clarkson” when she ripped hair off of my womanly bits?

To help quench my fears, I convinced Sissy to get a wax, too. I mean, what better way to spend time with your sister, right?

We began the process by arriving to the salon early. You know, so we’d have even longer to stew in our uncertainty and fright. We continued to ask each other questions to which we had no answers, including, but not limited to: Do we keep our underwear on? Will they ensure it hurts as little as possible? Will they have scuba gear to survive my flood of tears?

I was called back first and was welcomed by a woman who was frightfully happy for having to look at people’s junk all day. After I disrobed from the waist down (and yes, I did embarrassingly clarify that I only needed to undress from the waist down. Stupid nervousness.), I attempted some awkward banter until I realized that if I was caught mid-sentence, surely a “You fucker” or “I hate you so much!” would escape my lips.

The pain, while short-lived, was so intense that a few times it literally took my breath away! Luckily I didn’t scream, cry, or punch the lovely girl in the face, but there were a few moments where all I could do was say, “Wow” and put my hand up to my head in agony.

Surprisingly, the hair-ripping only took about 10 minutes, so I quickly left with a bruised bikini line and what’s left of my dignity. Did you know that waxing can actually BRUISE you?! Yeah, neither did I.

So, while it was maybe the most intense pain I’ve ever felt, it was quick enough that I’ll most likely do it again. Sissy, on the other hand, was super duper crazy and decided to get her legs waxed as well. That, it seems, was her big mistake. Instead of a quick 10 minutes of waxing, she was tormented for…wait for it…AN HOUR AND A HALF!! And she said that the legs hurt as much, if not more, than the bikini area.

I’m so thankful that I passed on the whole leg wax. It won’t be weird if my bikini line is hair-free, but my legs look like Sasquatch, will it?

To easy my weekend of pain and, of course, work on the “Lose 20 pounds before Las Vegas” task, I will spend the rest of the afternoon today taste-testing cupcakes for Baby Bee’s Birthday Party this coming weekend.

Hey, you lookin' at my cupcakes?

*Song obviously written by a man who has never gotten a bikini wax or worn 4-inch heels for 12 hours straight.

Song title: Beauty Knows No Pain by Frank Zappa

14 Responses to “Beauty Knows No Pain*”

  1. Melisa April 13, 2009 at 2:04 pm #

    Sadly I don’t remember my first wax, and it was a Brazilian. I can stand that pain but was asking for an epidural at the first sign of labor contractions. Go figure! The only time it was really bad was when I went while I was 6 months pregnant…talk about pain!

  2. Daniel April 13, 2009 at 2:04 pm #

    i’m afraid to ask what you plan on doing in vegas that requires a clear bikini line..

    and somehow i don’t think cupcake taste testing was required for a kids party… kids shove everything in their mouth!

    with that said… gimme a lemon cupcake!

  3. Mama Bee April 13, 2009 at 3:24 pm #

    Unfortunately, the wax was simply to prevent scaring anyone poolside in my bathing suit! I didn’t want to become Miranda from Sex & the City (movie). ;)

  4. Yaya April 13, 2009 at 5:10 pm #

    “The Area” hahahaha! I totally would have laughed the whole time because I’d be thinking of the waxing scene from 40 year old virgin!

  5. Lindsay April 13, 2009 at 5:19 pm #

    I love this post. I have gotten waxed for years and after the first two or three times, it does not hurt AT ALL. And is so worth it. So now, you only have one or two times left till you are hair and pain free. Yay!

  6. Jaci April 13, 2009 at 5:21 pm #

    Is it weird that I’m glad you went through it and blogged about it–just so now I know what happens?

  7. Jen, buried with children April 13, 2009 at 5:43 pm #

    So glad I read this before doing something that I would regret. And those cupcakes, YuM!

  8. Betts April 13, 2009 at 6:47 pm #

    I will never do this! No way! No how! I’ll stick with Nair and a prayer.

  9. the mama bird diaries April 13, 2009 at 7:56 pm #

    I’ve done the bikini wax a few times. Really wretched. I think I’m done.

  10. Kristen April 13, 2009 at 8:00 pm #

    You are much much braver than I. Those cupcakes look like a good reward for a painful bikini wax though!

  11. Pearl Wisdom April 13, 2009 at 8:14 pm #

    wow, i appreciate your bravery! i have never done this, nor do i plan to. even the thought of Barbara Bush making an untimely appearance has not scared me into the froggy position.

  12. Courtney B April 15, 2009 at 1:33 am #

    I have to give you the big thumbs up for not wanting to be the one by the pool with more than the world needs to see poking out to say hi. Waxing really isn’t a pleasant thing, but thankfully the sting doesn’t last all that long. Now which of those nummy looking cupcakes did you end up going with?

  13. Shannon April 23, 2009 at 6:07 pm #

    OH EM GEE! I don’t think I could talk my sister into doing this with me, LOL!

    I could, however, talk her into taste-testing cupcakes. YUM.

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  1. Pull My Hair | Mom to Bee - August 31, 2009

    [...] now that we’ve got the semantics under control, my first experience with ze wax (sorry, occasionally I accidentally slip in to what little French I know, which really is just [...]

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