Archive by Author

Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me

12 Sep

Oh mah gawd, you guys. You seriously have to try this kid at school thing.

IT’S SO FUCKING AWESOME!!

Yesterday, I did dishes,

what?!

2 1/2 loads of laundry,

I’m only counting half of the load that I forgot about and is still sitting in the washer gathering mildew.

and…wait for it…I cooked dinner!!

((crickets))

Fer reals, guys, the last time I cooked dinner for my family was…well, let’s just say the kids may or may not have been in the womb.

And today, I was showered, dressed, and went on a 2 mile walk with Bug after dropping Bee off at school. And it’s barely 11 am!

In the name of full disclosure, my walk was to Starbucks where I ate and drank about eleventy billion calories to make up for my exercise. I wouldn’t walk to accidentally lose those extra 20 pounds that I blame on Bug. And, you know, brownies and shit.

I know I’m beating a dead horse here, but I’m seriously in denial that I get so much extra time each day to get shit done. AND this is like an every day thing!

Needless to say, when I daydream about two years from now when both crotch parasites are in full-time school, I wet myself a little lot.

Song title: Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me by Gladys Knight and the Pips

These are the Days

11 Sep

Right now, Bee is beginning her first full week of Kindergarten (full day, thankyouverymuch) and Bug just went down for a nap that should last for a good two or three hours.

So this is what heaven feels like.

I’m now sitting on my couch, watching TiVo’d episodes of Leverage and eating an ice cream cone for lunch. You know why? Because I fucking can, that’s why! And no one is gonna ask for one or try to eat mine!!

I seriously can’t believe I get this every single day now! I’ve even done two loads of laundry. And without Bee around interrupting me nonstop, I remembered to add detergent!

Ahh, life’s little joys.

Song title: These Are The Days by Sugarland

Sometime in September

9 Sep

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They’re back…

But, you know, if “they’re” really just means me.

And “back” really means “no promises.”

Shit, maybe I just should’ve posted this:

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Song title: Sometime in September by Citizen K

The Shoes You’re Wearing

22 May

If you must know, I am not a fan of taking off your shoes at other people’s houses. Especially at the house of someone you are not very close with. If you are my BFF or family, I could give a rat’s ass if you see my janky snaggle feet.

So imagine my surprise when I received this invitation:

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Has it come to this?! Hosts can actually dictate what kind of shoes guests can wear now?!

Please discuss.

Side note: all guests to the Bee Haus shall now be required to wear wooden Dutch shoes.

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I’m pretty sure you can find them on Zappos.com.

Song title: The Shoes You’re Wearing by Clint Black

Crab Man

21 May

Bug attempts to crab walk for the first time. I *might* have accidentally peed myself watching this on repeat.

UPDATED TO NOW FEATURE…wait for it…A VIDEO!!

UPDATE #2: This fucking autocorrect makes me sound like I’m blogging while having a stroke. I apologize.

Song title: Crab Man by Magni Wentzel

Smart Patrol

15 May

So this morning we had a kindergarten evaluation for Bee at the school she will be attending in the fall. Needless to say, I fully expected her to either (1) rock it, or (2) freeze up under the pressure and attempt to climb back in to my uterus while weeping hysterically. Luckily, it was the former.

When another parent was getting the rundown of how her son had performed, I couldn’t help but eavesdrop. Well, what I mean is that I totally eavesdropped for the purpose of comparing her son to my daughter.

The biggest issue I have with the upcoming school attendance is trying my hardest to avoid sounding like “that” mom. You know, the one that we all hate because she thinks her kid should be in MENSA while the rest of us wonder how a kid can eat that much paste/crayons/boogers/dog food without having a serious medical reaction. Even using the term “gifted” makes a significant amount of bile rise in to my throat.

But that’s definitely what Bee is. Luckily for me, I still have the idiot savant, Bug. But I’m just kidding, that statement is not entirely fair.

He hasn’t quite displayed a savant-ness yet…

Song title: Smart Patrol by Devo

PS: Obviously I don’t really think that Bug is an idiot. To be fair, when Bee was his age, we were worried that she was going to be crawling down the aisle at her wedding!

Crazy Babies

13 May

The other day the kids and I were hanging out at Arla-Shay’s, as we normally do on any given weekday, when we overheard our spawn having this exchange:

M: I came out of my mommy’s ‘gina!!

Bee: Mine was easy as pie! Bug gave mommy a line (c-section scar) but I only gave mommy little lines (stretch marks).

Then the girls proceeded to decide who among them would have babies when they grow up (the are planning a lesbian wedding already! We’ve taught them well.)

Song title: Crazy Babies by Ozzy Ozbourne

Program Director

2 May

As my parenting techniques consist mostly of PBS, Disney Jr, Nick Jr and whatever other “Jr.”s are out there, I’ve been increasingly annoyed at an abundance of kids programming on tv. Here are just a few things I’ve noticed:

- As I’ve posted on Facebook, Dino Dan is obviously suffering from a psychotic break and desperately needs to be on anti-hallucinogenic medication. The only redeeming feature of this show is how totally annoyed the adults seem to be with Dan and his dinosaur obsession.

- As proof of Dino Dan’s ridiculousness of a show, please view exhibit #1: the worst ventriloquist EVER.

- If Little Bear’s parents are fully clothed in human clothing, why do they let their child run around naked everywhere?

- On that note, why does Special Agent Oso wear full pajamas for sleeping, but rocks out with his, um, bear out only wearing a vest when on his special missions?

- Sid the Science Kid’s family is obviously on mushrooms.

- How do the Bubble Guppies light campfires underwater?

- Does the map on Dora the Explorer have short term memory loss or OCD? If no, then why does he have to repeat “I’m the map!” 800 times per episode? Is it some sort of behavioral therapy?

- The writers of Strawberry Shortcake really need to peruse the Urban Dictionary: last week Strawberry sat down at a cafe and ordered a “tossed salad”. She then was very specific about how she liked her “tossed salad”.

- LazyTown is the shit nightmares are made of.

- Dear Super Why, You can’t just CHANGE fairy tales to fit your stupid problem. Changing the words/story negates whatever stupid lesson they are trying to teach you in the first place! Dumb ass.

- Stitch, from Lilo & Stitch, is the WORST role model for children in a movie EVER! I’d rather have my children watch Saw.

- Finally, of course, the #1 mystery plaguing children’s television: why the hell doesn’t Cailou have any hair?? And is every character on the show related because they are all the exact same person, with different hair.

So those are mine. What kid’s shows confuse/irritate/drive you to drink and why?

Song title: Program Director by Oars of Evolution

Secret Admirer

24 Mar

I have the strangest compulsion.

I have this bizarre desire to rekindle almost every relationship I’ve ever had.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about ex-boyfriends. Those dudes can suck a big fat one as far as I’m concerned (you might be able to tell that I’m not one of those “let’s be friends” people).

Old friends, friends that just grew apart, acquaintances from high school, you name it. I can’t even count how many friends I have hunted down on Facebook. So don’t be surprised if you get a creepy “hi! You went to school with me in the 5th grade and we totally had matching crimped hair! LET BE FRIENDS, MKAY?!!” emails from me. I take crazy pills but they aren’t helping. I swear I’m not a stalker. Much.

I think the weirdest desires I have are (1) wanting to reconnect even with ex-friends who I may or may not have threatened to take to court, and (2) feeling compelled to disclose every crush I have ever had.

And it’s weird (for many reasons) but mostly because it’s not to say “hey sexy! I thought you were super hot 15 years ago. Hubba hubba.” I don’t have any interested in rekindling THAT kind of relationship (Hi, Mr. Bee! Love you!). It’s just this sense that I’ve kept this big secret (okay, it was big in high school) and I just want to let them know that they had an admirer! Could it backfire on me? Sure! Which is why I don’t plan on telling people to their face! My 15-year-old self had enough issues. I don’t need to crush her non-existent ego with a “Who are you?” or “Um, you were disgusting.” response from a high school crush.

Side note: Holy fuck, high school was 15 years ago? I’m old.

Anywho and whatnot, I have just found it really cathartic to let go of silly little secrets like that – the ones that take up space in your head even though they lost relevance years ago. Like which basketball player you had a crush on during junior year (hint: all of them) or who you really wanted to dance with at your senior prom (hint: anyone. I didn’t have a date. {sad trombone}).

Somehow it seems like it would be like a bit of Spring Cleaning for your mind. Or Lobster Bisque for your soul. You know what I mean.

So instead of being all stalkery and hunting people down on Facebook in order to make them (and me) awkward when I declare my 15-year-old self’s undying crush on them or to reignite a friendship which would probably be doomed to end in an episode of Judge Judy, I’ve decided where better to release my secrets/demons/mental diarrhea that no one cares about? My blog, of course!!

Here we go:

M.W. – Sorry we ended our relationship with the threat of court. (See y’all, I wasn’t kidding!) Your baby looks really adorable and I hope you’ve found happiness.

J.L. – Thank you for being the only boy to ask me to dance at senior prom. That dance had more of an emotional impact than you would’ve probably imagined.

T.D. – On that note, thanks for being my “date” to senior prom! That photo of us posed with invisible dates will always be one of my favorites. (PS: How pathetic were we?!)

E.R. – Thank you for teaching me what kind of man I really deserve. And thank you for introducing me to Mr. Bee! No hard feelings?

A.L. – My one “older boy” crush in high school. If only I had not been invisible to every single boy in every school I have ever attended…

J.E. – My other major crush in high school. Please reference A.L.’s notes.

K.S. – Even though you disappeared before graduation, you were one of my closest friends in school and I wish we would’ve kept in touch.

E.E. – Sorry I stopped calling you. You were by far the best boyfriend I had prior to Mr. Bee. Except for that whole going to prom with someone else deal… {sad trombone}

J.H. – I miss you! You may be the most hilarious person I have ever met. Why don’t we ever hang out anymore?!

D.C. – I still don’t believe that anyone could be as happy as you appear to be. Lay off the pooping rainbows and unicorns, k?

Oh mah gawd, this is so fun! Why don’t you try? Post in the comments something you’ve always wanted to tell someone, but never had the nerve or opportunity!

Song title: Secret Admirer by Pit Bull

Sex over the Phone

23 Mar

I know it won’t surprise you much, but it entertains me to no end that I have Siri programmed to call me “Sexy Lady”.

Song title: Sex over the Phone by Trina

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