“You’re all fishing in the same pool”

This week’s special episode of the Bachelorette was the Men Tell All. Or should I say, the most dramatic and controversial Men Tell All EVAR.

Nope. I shouldn’t say that. Mostly, because it was as boring as fuck.

First of all, why was Jillian not in-studio the whole time? And couldn’t have some wardrobe person have fixed her dress when she was “casually chatting” with Chris Harrison in the closed studio so that every time she leaned forward, you didn’t see her microphone pack. Which, by the way, made her look like she was wearing some ridiculously large bra from the Dress Barn or something.

Since this was the most boring Men Tell All by far (Wes wasn’t even there!? WTF!! Then why would I even watch?!?!), I’ve boiled down the two. painful. hours. in to a few interesting points we learned about our Bachelorette and the lovely (read: creepy and hostile) Bachelors.

“There’s gonna be some woman out there with incredible feet who will make him very happy.”
Oh, Tanner P. I have to say that I do genuinely feel bad for the other Tanner always being asked if he was the creepy foot molester. I don’t care what any one says, Tanner P. is a little off. And then we find out that Jillian knew about the foot fetish thing almost immediately and didn’t care that he want to suck, tweeze, pluck, rub, make babies with her feet the whole time. Ew.

“You’re tit’s hanging out…you know what I’m saying?”
I would’ve hoped that watching himself on the show and having a few months to chill out would have made David a little bit less of a sexual predator/anger management candidate, but, yeah, not so much. Somehow, he was still delusional enough to (1) not think that he had been disrespectful to Jillian and (2) that Jillian put out signals and then retracted them. And let’s not even get in to the whole man code jumble fuck. His best quote of the night, though, was definitely, “I wouldn’t say groping. I pulled her shirt up. That’s not really groping…” Riiiiiight.

“This has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.”
Too bad things weren’t “harder” for you in Hawaii, Ed, if you catch my drift. Sorry, buddy, you just make it too easy for me. But how hilarious was it to see Ed totally wasted? He’s still my favorite, ESPECIALLY after Jillian asked him that big long question and Drunken Ed replied, slurring, “That’s a lot of words that you just threw out me, by the way…”

“This is a little unstable…”
Let’s hope your life in more stable that your little giraffe legs, Kiptyn. But all jokes aside, if Jake is considered perfect then what the heck is Kiptyn?! His foundation to help disadvantaged kids? Shut up. But still, I think a little too goody good and robotic. What can I say, I’m obviously on Team Ed.

” “
Wes
The viewers got to see the red flags. And the Bachelors. “Pulled the wool over my eyes.”

“It was awful, I mean, we needed to stop immediately.”
Are you sure Jillian was talking about Reid and not Ed? (rim shot). Surprise, surprise, Jillian declared that she had been falling in love with Reid and was not ready to let Reid go.

Oh, and Reid “shockingly” was not at the Men Tell All special. He’s totally gonna be coming back next week. I’ve looked in to my 8 ball and it read “really fucking likely”. Obviously, his “prior engagement” could very well be an engagement to Jillian (bum bum BUM!! The DRAMA!!)

“Some country singing turd in out on the rooftop”
Pretty much all the men, and all the woman in the audience (what a taco fest, right?), agree that Wes is King of All Douche Bags. And what a pussy to not even show his face at the Special.

“If it walks like a snake and it talks like a snake, chances are it’s not the kind of guy that most women would want to date.”
Okay, seriously, was that audience member totally hammered, or what? But I digress.

It absolutely blows me away that the men are in consensus about whether or not Tanner P. should’ve told Jillian about Wes’ secret. Even though everyone but Jillian knew that Wes was there to promote his record from Day One. Men are lame, y’all.

And speaking of all the men being retarded, why does everyone hate Jake so much? And what’s wrong with being square (cough cough)?! They say he “pulled a Mesnick” (crying over a hotel balcony) and Sasha, who apparently is a total asshole, goes off calling him an actor and basically a robot. Dancebreaker dude is the only one that stands up to everyone saying that Jake would never say a bad word about anyone else. Well, except to Sasha, who Jake promptly tells to go fuck off.

“He meant to hit me, but not that hard.”
From the funny moments montage, which had me in tears, we learned a few things:
- The guys really liked to be naked (in the Mini Cooper, in the pool, in each other’s beds…okay, I threw that last one in the there.)
- They were all drunk 99% of the time (don’t forget Jillian, ABC. But her drunkenness was pretty obvious.)
- Mike hitting Jillian square in the head with a snowball and knocking her over (don’t we all wish we had that opportunity?)
- The train missing it’s stop after Robbie, who apparently was a raging alcoholic during the show, was Auf’d by Jillian, making the next hour that it took for the train to get in to position extremely awkward.
- Juan is a “cheese ass”.
- Ed is hilarious and had a tendency to fart during rose ceremonies (I won’t lie. I liked him even MORE after that.)
- Jillian likes pepperoni. No, she REALLY likes pepperoni. Like so much that maybe Ed should bring some in the bedroom next time around…

”If people have to point their finger at me and it caused happiness in the end, I’ll take the blame.”
Douche bag alert!! Jason’s back! And apparently is constipated. And high. And drunk. Close your mouth, for Christ’s sake, Jason. You look handicapped!

Could you handle his “Wah wah. I’m super awesome because I caused all this happiness,” bullshit? Super barf.

Next week, Jillian’s mental unstable mom rips the boys new assholes with her gigantic list of questions. This, hopefully, will be legen…wait for it…I hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the next bit is…DARY!

Oh, and, shocker (yawn) Reid is going to surprise Jillian in Hawaii. Come on, ABC. Duh.