“The One Where Rated-R Becomes Vienna”

Our third episode opens with 14 bachelors all competing for a six month relationship at tops wife at the end of the season, preferably Ali. This week will consist of one group date and two individual dates, the first of which is with Robert-Oh…

Love is a Balancing Act
Does anyone else feel like it’s a little strange that Robert-Oh was pre-funking some Coronas before his date with Ali? And shouldn’t it be Ali pre-funking with that crazy (and totally understandable because heights are fucking scary) fear of flying? I mean, why the hell would someone who is afraid of flying (and I would imagine, heights) plan dates that involve (1) FLYING, and (2) tight rope walking 20 stories about Los Angeles? Masochist much?

But I won’t lie, that mid-rope kiss with Robert-Oh? Except for being ridiculously loud, was pretty damn hawt. Although it might have something/everything to do with the fact that Robert-Oh is fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. Rawr.

And I’m pretty sure that every woman watching had a slight tvgasm when Robert-Oh started talking about how many languages he can speak. However, Ali quickly squashed that moment with her one-on-one to the camera where she confesses that not many men can make her worry that she might not be pretty enough for them. Oh, really? Please hold while I shed a fucking tear for you…

To the surprise of NO ONE IN THE WORLD, Robert-Oh scores the ID rose after sucking some serious face with our Bachelorette.

Come Rock My World…
Back at the house, the first group date is announced: Kirk, John, Chris N., Frank, Jonathan, Craig, Justin, Jesse, and Chris L. will be joining Ali on some mystery/totally realistic date.

Having assumed that “rock my world” pertains to music, how many of you laughed your freaking asses off when Kasey/Kermit whined that he would have loved to be on that group date to show off his voice? Really, though?! Will Rowlf and Gonzo be there too?

After the guys were limo’d to the middle of no where (aka: the ghetto and all the boys were pissing themselves), the boys started pissing themselves even harder to come upon the Barenaked Ladies playing their tunes.

Totally realistic.

After the BNL (which, squee!) sufficiently plugged their new and upcoming album, the boys learn that they will be starring in the song’s video (do people actually watch those anymore?).

Oh, yay. It’s the awkward, forced acting and kissing episode. And, of course, many of the men haven’t had a first kiss with Ali yet so this should be a recipe for certain tongue-shoving-down-her-throat disaster. Okay, so it’s kind of an awesome episode.

And poor Frank, getting slapped (hard) across the face nine times! Yikes, but I don’t know which is worse: getting slapped or not having ANY interaction with her like John C. Ouch!

But, on the other hand, how hilarious was it when Ali and Kirk were making out during their rolling-around-in-bed scene and it was so “real” that most of the guys left the room and the director had to yell “Cut!” like 85 times to get them to stop making out! Ouch for Frank, again!

And a Trifecta of Ouch is completed for Frank when Kirk takes Ali in to the hot tub for some uber-hawt smooch time at the “after party”. I mean, Kirk wasn’t even on my radar until this week, but rawr and a half! He’s smoking hawt and freaking adorable to boot.

The next day, douchey poor Rated-R hobbles his broke ass self down the highway to Ali’s house, which is a few MILES away from the bachelor’s mansion. He either really wants some tv time or really digs our Bachelorette. Time will tell…

Hmmm…after watching Rated-R be a total douche and make a HUGE effort to talk, but not talk, about walking to Ali’s house, I’m 99.9% sure that he is a giant ass hat douche knuckle.

Home is Where the Heart is
Meanwhile, Hunter gets the next ID card and other guys who haven’t had much, if any, time with her start freaking out a bit that they haven’t spent time with Ali. I don’t know if they’d be jealous or not (let’s not kid, they are totally jealous) that Hunter doesn’t get a big unrealistic date. Instead, Ali and Hunter just stay in at her place, throw some burgers on the bbq and play house.

And by “play house” I mean be completely freaking boring and totally lacking in any sort of romance and/or conversation. Yawn and a half. Let’s just say that giving Ali a tutorial on how to start a fire in a fire pit is not the way to a lady’s heart. And sadly, for Hunter, it resulted in being Auf’d.

Back at the final cocktail hour(s), can we take a second to address what the hell Kirk is wearing? I think the guy is adorable, but it hurts, literally it burns my freaking corneas, to look at him during the socializing.

A nice break from the lime green shirt was Steve from Ohio’s impromptu picnic on the walkway in front of the house. 30 minutes later, when he finally popped open the champagne bottle with his delicate girlie hands, they seemed to have a good time. But meanwhile, back in the house, the rest of the boys discuss douche knuckle Rated-R behind his back.

I mean, in front of him.

Seriously, dudes. If you are gonna talk some serious shit, just make sure that the guy isn’t standing on his crutches right behind you. I mean, CRUTCHES, people. It’s not like the dude is a ninja or something. You didn’t hear his hobbling up the path behind you?!

Of course, the shit hits the fan when Ali confesses to Robert-Oh that Rated-R hobbled to her house to see her. All the guys came together to confront him and Rated-R had to admit that he has been a douche for the last day or so. Or, you know, just cry about it.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever
Okay, so this one really wasn’t very dramatic at all. There’s not much I can say besides the bachelors who get to stay in the house and vie for Ali’s attention are: Robert-Oh (rawr), Chris L., Jesse, Chris N. (who is this guy? Did he just show up for the rose ceremony?), Ty, Kasey (what the what?!), Craig, Frank (finally! Give a guy – and me – a complex, why dontcha!?), Jonathan and Justin.

Poor random dude from Issaquah (holla!) never had a chance…