“If you kiss her, I’ll punch you right in the face.”

1 Jul

This week, the Bachelors finally get to shrug off the heavy weight of that maple leaf flag and head on back to the States.

Pennsylvania Powwows
Jillian, donned in her Bachelorette Trademarked skinny jeans and boots, first visits Reid’s hometown of Philadelphia, PA. Is it just me or did Jillian seem drunk before she even started the date with Reid? At this point, Reid must know her well enough to make sure her latte is part coffee, part vodka.

After spending a few minutes in the city, we not-so-slickly sweep in to the ‘burbs to meet Mom, Dad, and two Brothers. Immediately everyone sits down for the we’re-going-to-pretend-this-is-normal-but-its-actually-really-uncomfortable couch chat. I love the low pressure “You can work for us and have babies immediately” strategy of Reid’s mom. Hmmm…coming on a little strong, Rhonda.

After a heart-to-heart talk with Reid’s father, I’ve completely convinced that 50-something year old Larry should be next season’s The Bachelor. No offense, Rhonda, but I am completely smitten with his “Follow your heart and jump head over heels” speech.

Apparently Reid’s stone-cold façade has been broken by Jillian’s obsession with PDA. I’m not sure if Reid’s family was impressed or just wanting him to put in back in his pants in front of Ma Maw.

Astoria Animation
Our resident Jack Russell Terrier Puppy, Michael, brings Jillian home to Astoria, NY, to meet his Mom, Dad & Twin Brother. Immediately, you can tell that hyperactivity and/or an addiction to Pixie Sticks is a family trait with every single member of the family bouncing off the walls.

Michael and his brother decide to pull a Parent Trap on Jillian and pose as his brother in order to get some questions answer without her knowing. It took Jillian literally 0.5 seconds to tell that Michael is dressed as his brother, thwarting their diabolical plan. Damn, that could’ve been good!

Michael’s Dad takes the opposite stance of Our Newest Bachelor, Larry, by warning Michael that it’s going to be rough if he doesn’t get a rose. Way to be upbeat, Dad.

While Jillian answers some typical interview questions (“What are your biggest weaknesses?” “Well I love way too much and am sometimes too wonderful…”), in comes Michael’s Sister from Australia. Michael, and the whole family, responds by jumping up and down eight million times. Seriously, is their floor built out of trampolines or something?

San Diego Self-doubt
Jillian, while meeting Kiptyn’s Mom, Dad, Stepdad, Sister, Brother and Brother’s Girlfriend, immediately begins to worry that she might not fit in to this ridiculously perfect and opulent family. Especially since they roped off the only place where Jillian feels totally comfortable: the hot tub.

Mom & Dad begin the evening by quizzing Jillian’s ability to distinguish lasagnas and wine. While talking French, of course.

Oy vey.

Kiptyn’s Mom, I’ve gotta be honest here, could possibly be bat-shit crazy. Or drunk. So hopefully the latter since then she’d get along perfectly with our Drunk-aholic Jillian. Eve told Jillian that she has to be special to be where she is…obviously she didn’t see last season Douche. Sadly, I think Jillian is more quickly devolving in to douche-baggery than Jason even did.

Carmel Courtship
I will go out on a limb and say that visiting Jessie’s Family’s Winery will be Jillian’s favorite trip of the season. While traveling across the winery by tractor, you can almost here Jillian wondering “where the fuck is the wine, Jessie?!”

Before the wine, Jillian gets to meet Mom, Dad, and Jessie’s Brother, who apparently is Billy Ray Cyrus. Well, if you doubled, maybe tripled, the asshat-ness. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with Jessie’s Brother?! How could nice, sweet Jessie be related to such a jackass like him?

And as if the foreign language speaking wasn’t enough, then the family begins a jam session in the basement. Really, though? I guess the family who plays together, stays (douchebags) together.

Austin’s Asshat
Wes, the King of the Douchebags, doesn’t waste a single minute getting airtime for his band.

What. A. Fucking. Asshole.

And the whole time, Jillian is just eating it up thinking that she is so lucky to be dating a wonderful man like Wes.

Meanwhile, our beloved beauty, Jake, has decided to visit Austin in order to protect Jillian from Wes’ manipulations. It’s about fucking time someone stood up for Jillian’s best interests.

Wes and Jillian have a heart to heart where Wes confesses that he is there for the right reason and is a very bad liar. Well, he got one of those correct. Jillian must be pretty hard up for Wes because that was some of the worst lying I’ve ever seen. And I went to law school, for Christ’s sake.

While Jillian waits for Wes to pick her up, knock knock knock! Who’s there? Jake!!!

After five minutes of teeth-pulling, Jake breaks the news to Jillian that Wes does indeed have a girlfriend.

Obviously, Jillian is crushed and says good bye to Jake in time for Wes to come knocking on her door, wanting to take her to meet his family.

As one would guess, Wes immediately denies the accusations (I even typed this sentence before watching that scene because I just *knew* he would pull that shit). Even better, Wes pretty much weaves the exact story that Jake told Jillian he would.

For ratings the truth, Jillian calls Jake down to confront Wes in person. My fists clenched just hearing some complete asshole like Wes call someone like Jake “a man of character” with sarcasm. What. An. AAAAAAAAAAAsshole.

I will give Wes one thing: he is stubborn as hell. Oh, and I’m pretty sure he might be a sociopath.

And I can’t even believe how stupid and insecure Jillian must be to not kick him to the curb IMMEDIATELY. Any respect that I still had for the alcoholic koala bear is gone. Gooooone.

The Bachelorette has officially gone from The Dating Game to The Hills.

Jillian, instead of telling Wes to fuck off, travels to meet Wes’ Mom, Stepmom, and three Sisters.

Beverly Hills Bewilderment
As if Austin didn’t hold enough surprises for us, as Jillian sits around her LA Hotel, pondering the last week’s events, knock knock knock!

It’s Ed!

*sigh* Ed. *sigh*

Man, he’s a doll! All I can say is that Jillian looked as smitten with Ed as I felt watching that scene. Will she just cut all the other guys and marry Ed already?! Jesus.

Instead of doing him on the spot (what is *wrong* with this chick?!), Jill requests that Ed attend tonight’s rose ceremony so she can ponder her upcoming decision.

Rose Ceremony Ruling
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

After all that drama and crying and “fool me once, shame on you” bullshit, Jillian is keeping Wes around for another week?!

I’m thinking instead of diamond ring, the Bachelor at the end should award her with a lifetime of psychologist appointments ’cause this girl has gotten some Issues. Yes, with a capital “I”.

So our pesky little puppy Michael and that other guy, Jesse, are Auf’d this week.

I have to admit, with about a gallon of shame, that I did tear up when Michael discussed how he had been falling in love with her and hadn’t even realized it until after she gave him the boot (literally. She probably had those goddamn boots on under her evening gown).

But overall, thank GAWD that Ed is back. He might be the one redeeming aspect of this season. Lord knows, I certainly have a tv crush on him.

3 Responses to ““If you kiss her, I’ll punch you right in the face.””

  1. Denelle July 2, 2009 at 1:18 am #

    Thanks for this. Now I don’t feel like I’m missing anything by not watching the show. I just don’t have it in me to hear her say aboot.

  2. Denelle July 2, 2009 at 5:01 am #

    Thanks for this. Now I don’t feel like I’m missing anything by not watching the show. I just don’t have it in me to hear her say aboot.
    BTW I love your blog!

  3. Pearl Wisdom July 7, 2009 at 5:19 pm #

    Yeah there is definitely a boot theme… red boots, black boots, aboots… dayum im funny.

    I also love the way J brought a bottle of wine to each hometown visit. Makin sure no one runs out for your visit there, DKB???

    and OMG, Wes cant even feign interest in her. Uhm, “…you have beautiful eyes, you’re sexy…” wow, Wes, so romantic! Insert woman I am trying to snow here…

    I’m voting for Michael and his twin to be the next Bachelors. Like Chance and Real. But classy because it is ABC after all… mwah haha hahahahaaaa.

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