“Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for 20 minutes.”

29 Jan

Also known as: the episode where everyone makes out and gets mono.

This Last (sorry) week’s episode begins with an obligatory explanation of how the show works (dur) from our beloved, yet woefully dressed, host Chris Harrison. I’m sure it’s been said roughly a kabillion times, but does Chris Harrison have the easiest job ever?! The actual work to salary ratio must be ridiculous. He is on-screen for a total of about five minutes every episode, gets to travel to exotic locations, is constantly surrounded by beautiful (although that’s sometimes debatable) women and must get paid about 45 trillion dollars per season.

But I digress…

cassandra_headshotLove Is A Wild Ride
Cassandra, the 21 year old mother of a toddler, gets chosen for this week’s first one-on-one date. I’m not a huge fan of Cassandra so far because (1) she’s only TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD, (2) she deemed it appropriate to leave a two year old at home to be on a televised dating program and (3) I’m pretty sure she is an alien. While I am certainly not opposed to May-December relationships, 34-year-old JP dating 21-year-old Cassandra is like a May 2001 – December 2014 romance. Creepy.

Upon arrival of Cassandra at the date, the first thing I noticed was her…shall I call it an “outfit”? This is where I would put a photo of her red, zippered one-piece jumper, but it seems that it is not featured anywhere on the Interwebs. I’m pretty sure the web would implode on itself due to it’s ugliness.

The couples hop in a Jeep-like convertible and go for a short drive. When Pablo begins to park on the beach, he instead drives right in to the water! What?!

momtobee_face1

Really? Was that seriously unexpected?

JP then departs from his typical relatively normal date planning for an afternoon on a gigantic yacht. Because who hasn’t hung out on a huge private yacht for their first date?

Later that day, the couple heads back to JP’s digs for a homemade dinner. Yet again, Cassandra wows us with her questionable outfit choices…

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Those pants…ugh…

But, to be fair, I probably wore clothes that ugly when I was 21.

13 years ago.

Jesus, I’m old.

After some sexy Lambada dancing, the two parents share kid photos and chat about being single parents. Blah, blah, blah, she gets the date rose and makes out with JP.

Group Date with Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Aly, Lauren, Christy, Lucy, Niki, Andi

Group Date with Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Aly, Lauren, Christy, Lucy, Niki, Andi

Let’s Kick It
Surprisingly, the girls travel by non-helicopter to the stadium of the LA Galaxy, which apparently is a soccer team.

((shrug))

And it’s super believable that every single bachelorette is really excited because they know who the LA Galaxy are.

Really?

Anywho, the important part is that JP is practicing in all of his sexy Latiny fashion and looks delicious. I’m pretty sure just seeing him in that soccer outfit made all the girls begin ovulating.

All cleated-up, the girls practice and then split up in teams and begin to scrimmage. If by “scrimmage,” you mean repeatedly kick the ball at Sharleen’s face. And arm. And other various body parts.

The bigger issue at hand is the metallic gold sports bras that the women were wearing. Fer reals, where do you even find yourself a metallic gold sports bra? Is there some local Whore Wholesale store where you can pick these up in bulk? I mean, it is L.A…

Hours of primping and face shellacking later, the evening cocktail hour begins at the stadium. Blah, blah, blah, lots of reassuring the woman that JP likes them.

And, of course, JP makes out with almost everyone. And then we got to see this:

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First, I’d like to apologize because you just can NOT unsee that shit. Girlfriend leads with her massive tongue a little too much. Sharleen should get a fucking red card for that abuse of tongue. Dis-gusting.

Despite some serious tonsil hockey, the non-kisser Niki, gets the date rose.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…
…we get to hear Elise tell us how young Chelsie is…over…and over…and over again…

Because, seriously guys, Chelsie is a baby. She really “seems like a baby.” Like literally, a baby. I think Elise is planning on diapering Chelsie and putting her to bed with a bottle. Because “she literally seems like a baby”. Literally. She’s not a baby. She’s a little girl.

Someone literally needs an education on the definition of “literal.”

Do You Trust Me?
Chelsie and JP’s date begin with some rocking out to Venezuelan music in the car and eating at a Venezuelan cafe. Of course, Chelsie loves it all, because who is dumb enough to be all “your homeland’s food is SHIT, Mr. Pablo!”? ((eye roll))

And what’s better than stuffing your stomach with unusual food and then hooking yourself up to tandem bungie jump off of a huge bridge?

But, Chelsie, do you trust me?

Here are some possible responses JP could have when Chelsie freaks her shit about having to JUMP OFF A FUCKING BRIDGE:

- How are you doing?
- Do you want to do this?
- It’s okay if you don’t want to do this.
- It won’t ruin the date if you choose not to risk your life.
- Look at me, I’m here. It’s okay.
- I’ll do whatever you want to do.
- Don’t worry about it. If you don’t want to do it, it’s okay.
- Just do it for me.

Wait a fucking second. WHAT?! “Just do it for me”?! Jesus H. Christ Juan Pablo, could you SOUND any more fucking peer pressure date rapey just then?! Ugh.

Needless to say, Chelsie denies her instinct to, ya know, NOT DIE, and instead jumps off a fucking bridge. For a dude.

Way to go, Chelsie.

But shit, she does get an upside-down first kiss, so there’s that.

After they blow Venezuelan chucks, the couple has dinner at the beautiful Pasadena City Hall Building where they are serenaded by (fill in the blank with random band that I’ve never ever heard of before).

Have any of you EVER heard of any of the bands that play on The Bachelor/ette??

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Cocktail Cliffs Notes
JP begins the day by surprising the girls with breakfast. As one would imagine, all the girls flip their shit about having to see JP with no makeup and not having brushed their hair or teeth. Needless to say, JP would probably send me packing if he saw me with no spackle, I mean, makeup.

After breakfast, JP decides to shake things up some more by scrapping the cocktail party for a pool party! I’m pretty sure this is just so JP can see the women practically naked.

And, I’m sorry, but once again what THE HELL is up with Cassandra’s clothing choice?!

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I mean, really. First, that color. Is she colorblind?! And that floral pattern? AND THE DESIGN OF THE SUIT?!?

We need to have an intervention, y’all.

Girlfriend needs some help.

And even better, Kat finds an accessory that all the girls wish they could score…

JP’s head in her crotch.

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That’s better than those bedazzled vag tattoos right there. I mean, he seems…comfy? And also appears to enjoy going for a high-five in order to do an unintentional boob grab graze.

Totally unintentional.

And, of course, all the girls start freaking out, including oh-so-secure Clare. And who better to console her than Saint Renee. Seriously, that girl deserves a Masters in Social Work after being a part of this season. I’m pretty sure there would be suicides this season if it weren’t for Renee.

After swimming around in the herpes-infested waters for what seemed like hours, it’s finally time for the rose ceremony…

Here are the standings after this week:
bachelorettes

Free Spirit Lucy and Who Is That Christy got sent packing. I sure will miss all those “Did you see I’m not wearing a bra or shoes?” moments with Lucy. She seems so…authentic?

Next/This/You’ve Probably Already Watched It Week on The Bachelor: everyone travels to South Korea, Sharleen “impresses” us with some opera singing, bitches be cray cray.

Santa Barbara, Here I Come!

26 Jan

Just landed in SB and am on my way to the Biltmore to hopefully witness some #bachelorwedding! I’ll be live tweeting all day so check it out at www.facebook.com/momtobee or www.twitter.com/momtobee!

So Excited

19 Jan

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I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I sit here, hours from a game that I’m not playing in, going to or even watching (previous engagement), and I feel as excited and anxious as if I’m the freaking quarterback!

GO HAWKS!!! #12thman

Song title: So Excited by Pointer Sisters

“Because that’s what life is about. Straddling people. And things.”

18 Jan

We begin last this week’s episode with some sort of space-time-continuum issue because the editors skip the date card reading and go straight in to Clare racing out the door for her date with JP.

Seriously, my new friendo and Bach buddy, who herein will be referred to as 8-Mile, and I were freaking out and rewinding roughly one billion times to make sure we didn’t miss a single, precious second of the wonder that is Bach.

clare_headshotLet’s Chill
Anywho and whatnot, Clare (aka: She Who Shall Be There At The End) is off on a date with *sigh* Juan Pablo. While getting ready for her date, we learn a few things about Clare: (1) She likes Old Navy (I totally have that sequined tank she was wearing) and (2) girlfriend tears up a little too easily when discussing her love-life.

Don’t get me wrong, I would TOTALLY do the same thing. But I also wouldn’t be on a televised dating show.

So, the date begins with JP driving up in his obligatory very expensive sports car and presenting a blindfold for our dear Clare. All the other Bachelorettes immediately go all 50 Shades of Grey in their minds and are insane with jealousy.

Sidenote: Was I the only one thinking “What about all her makeup?! And her hair?!? Does he have no respect for the five hours she just spent getting ready for the date?” Lord knows, I would look like a fucking raccoon if I had a blindfold on me for that long.

After a relatively short drive, JP reveals a magical winter wonderland in the middle of L.A. We’re talking snow, vintage streetlights, and even a snowy hill for sledding! Oh, after he has Clare jump on his back for a piggy back ride.

Um, yes, please. Like five minutes in to the date and she already has her legs wrapped around him?! Score!

So blah, blah, blah, they have a great time sledding, snuggling, ice skating (if you can call Clare falling down on her ass every five seconds “ice skating”) and making snowmen.

As if watching JP be all cuddly and awesome wasn’t enough, then the couple get in to the hot tub and start massages…while discussing Clare’s dead father. ‘Cause, romantic!

Unsurprisingly, Clare gets the date rose and begins making out with JP.

Is this season like soft core porn or what? In a good way, of course. Pretty much anytime I see JP touch one of the girls, at least one egg gets released from my ovary. And that’s being conservative.

 

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…
While Clare is enjoying her Snowy Surprise, Amish Gone Wild has revealed that apparently she left her bikini tops at home and is just flinging her bewbies around for all to see. Jesus, what is this girl’s deal? Need attention much?

 

kat_headshotI Can Feel The Electricity
True to Bachelor style, Kat and JP go galavanting off in a private jet. Because tots obvs, that’s really what real life is like. I can’t even count how many times Mr. Bee has hired a private jet to fly me all over the world on date night.

Hint: none times.

Kat, on the other hand, seems to think this is TOTALLY what her life with JP, her Latin lover, will be like.

eyeroll.

Mid-flight, JP excuses himself and returns looking like a rave just threw up on him. But of course he still looks sexy because duh. Kat is very “oh but I don’t have anything to wear…!” Well, SURPRISE! JP has a skin-tight little number for her to wear as well!

Meanwhile, after the pilots get done vomiting over the adorableness happening behind them, they land the plane in…

Salt Lake City, Utah?

Uh, really? No offense to SLC, but…really?

But wait! It’s the location of an Electric Run! (FYI to local peeps: there is one coming up in August in Puyallup!)

Side bar, people. So I went to the Electric Run website to get that information, and this is the header for the “Seattle” run in August 2014.

electricrun_1

There are so many things wrong with this picture. First of all, that is NOT where Seattle is. Secondly, the race isn’t even being held IN Seattle. It’s in a city 30 miles south of it. Just because you are holding an event in Washington, doesn’t mean it should automatically has “Seattle” in the name.

Lastly, and probably most importantly, that yellow dot on the map? It’s right in the middle of a mountain range/rainforest. At least two hours away from where the race is actually taking place.

electricrun_2

Ugh. Okay, end rant.

Alright, where were we? Oh, yeah, the 5k dance party thing. It looks super fun! I mean, what part of grinding up on JP DOESN’T sound fun to you?

Blah, blah lots of dancing on stage. She gets the date rose. The end.

 

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Group Date with Chelsie, Christy, Kellie, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Ally, Chantel, Nicki, Elise, Lucy

Say Cheese
This group of girls were attacking this date like a horde of zombies in a…brain factory. Okay, that wasn’t my strongest analogy.

After a short ride in the crouch vans, the girls arrive at a lovely and romantic…warehouse. But wait, there’s more. The clever little clue on the date was to indicate a photo shoot for charity. Some guy who doesn’t realize that he has a teal goatee directs the woman back to meet their co-models (cute dogs) and see their costumes.

This is where it gets fun. See, some of the girls get to wear bikinis or extravagant ball gowns. Others, like Amish Goes Wild, gets assigned to a giant fire hydrant costume.

Screen Shot 2014-01-18 at 4.25.28 PM

Others apparently got to wear black face.

The big problem came when the first grade teacher and prosecuting attorney got assigned…signs.

Literally, nothing but signs.

Needless to say, they were NOT happy. First Grade Teacher eventually swaps with Amish Gone Wild, because obviously AGW would happily be naked 24/7.

Unfortunately, Prosecutor just gets screwed but after JP gives her a pep talk, she stereotypically changes her own desires for a dude. That she just met. On television. Hrmph.

But let’s cut to the chase. I know you all want to hear the run-down of crazy crazy Victoria. As if her chartreuse dress on Day One wasn’t enough, she decided to display her vodka-induced insanity for all to see.

“I just got here…I’m not hammered! I’ve had not even one glass of champagne. This is how I am sober. I’m just fun sober. And if anybody knows anything, Juan Pablo seems to love fun.”

“If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I’m gonna straddle him EVERY DAY! Cuz that’s what life is about. Straddling people. And things.”

In regards to her photo shoot: “Today I gave him the hymen maneuver. I saved his life. If I should totally get a rose for that. Everyone’s like, ‘oh you straddled Juan Pablo’. If you do the hymen maneuver and someone’s laying down and dying, you have to straddle them!”

Now remember, what follows was in NO WAY provoked. Seriously, NOTHING happened except a LOT of alcohol being consumed.

Victoria runs off to the women’s bathroom, followed by Saint Renee, and locks herself in a stall. St. Renee crawls under the stall door to check on her:

Oh, wait. I can transcribe what she said because most of it was totally garbled nonsense.

The poor producers are then stuck with an irate drunk chick yelling that she’s “Done. Done. Done.” while attempting to stop her from leaving, totally intoxicated, without shoes.

So what does she do? Runs back to the bathroom to lock herself in the stall.

Poor JP attempts to console her through the restroom door, but all she does is cry in the stall. And so ends a lovely group date. Oh, and thank GOD JP didn’t give the rose to Victoria. Phew! Kelly (black face dog) got the date rose.

The next day, when Victoria is all sobered off, JP kindly, but sternly, sends her packing (off to a rehab facility, one hopes).

Also discussed: Marvin the Martian has a two year old son (JP is thrilled). Renee has a son and is totally adorable.

Cocktail Cliffs Notes
Amy acts a fool while pretending to interview JP as a news reporter.

Sharleen apologizes for being rude to JP when he gave her the first impression rose.

Despite being absolutely gorgeous, Danielle wore some disgusting gold lame (the fabric, but it was also lame) long-sleeved, floor-length gown.

Marvin the Martian has a good cry about leaving her son and is consoled by Saint Renee.

Current Standings

bachelorettes

 
Next week: Oh good, more dates with bridges to jump of off.

The Stalker’s Blessing

16 Jan

Okay, I’ve tried my best to keep my big, HUGE, RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME news to myself until I recap this week’s episode of The Bachelor, but I just can’t hold it in any longer.

That’s what he said?

My story begins about a month or so ago when Mr. Bee invited me to go on a business trip with him. See, Mr. Bee is a Vice President within his company and occasionally he gets to go to this Executive Summit thingy in pretty awesome locations. The last one I went to was BC (Before Children) and we stayed at a beautiful resort on Coronado Island off of San Diego.

I wasn’t sure if I would make the effort to attend this year’s meeting (buying plane tickets, finding sitters for the kids/dogs – oh, yeah, we have two puppies now!) until I found out where the meeting was located this year…

photo courtesy of www.luxuryhotels.com

Holy balls, guys.

 

No joke, people. We are staying at the Fairmont Biltmore in Santa Barbara! “What’s so fancy about that?” you ask. Well, first of all, the CHEAPEST room you can book there is…wait for it…SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS A NIGHT!

I don’t know about YOU, but this will be, without a doubt, the nicest and most expensive hotel I have ever stayed in…and it’s FREE!!

The reason I tell you this isn’t to brag (okay, it’s to brag a <i>little</i>). You see, a few days ago, Mr. Bee received an email from work about Things To Know Before You Go. Like the closest airports, where to park, dress codes on any particular evening.

What really caught my eye, however, was at the very bottom of the page.

Screen Shot 2014-01-16 at 8.40.56 AM

 

Okay, so big deal, right? After perusing the email, I didn’t give any of the info much thought.

But wait a second…

A wedding on January 26th? That’s a Sunday. Huh. Kinda weird, but not really.

But didn’t I know of some other wedding happening on a Sunday sometime soon?

It took me a little while, because, let’s be honest, I’m not the brightest bulb in the lamp store. Did you figure it out already?

photo courtesy of www.people.com

ohmahgod ohmahgod ohmahgod

 

I shit you not, folks.

I am going to be staying AT THE SAME HOTEL AS THE LIVE BACHELOR WEDDING OF SEAN AND CATHERINE!!!

I’ll let that sink in for a moment.

Holy fuck, amiright?!

AND since the wedding is being live telecast on ABC, I even know WHEN to expect the wedding to begin (about four hours after our arrival at the resort).

So, needless to say, I will be blogging the SHIT out of this thing! And attempting my very best to get photos, video, a lock of hair from Juan Pablo and/or Chris and/or Arie (oh yes ladies, THEY WILL ALL BE THERE!).

Okay, I am freaking myself out again right now. My heart pretty much has a seizure, my brain is melting and my ovaries exploding at the very THOUGHT of seeing JP, Chris, Arie, Chris Harrison in person…

Jesus Christ, people. I need some advice! What do I wear? What do I say if I happen to meet someone of Bachelor/ette lore? How can I possibly infiltrate the event without (1) tossing my underwear at JP, (2) getting arrested, (3) getting Mr. Bee fired, or (4) all of the above?

momtobee_signature

 

 

 

Song title: The Stalker’s Blessing by Dawn

“Me gustaría una rosa, por favor.”

15 Jan

Ladies and Gentlemen…
bachelor_header

Just in case you happen to live under a rock, this season’s Bachelor is Juan Pablo, the sexy latin sexy hot McHotterson who is, uh, super duper sexy.

Please take a minute to appreciate him and all his glory…

jp

It may not translate through the laptop screen, but this dude makes me ovulate when I watch an episode. Like, my friends and I almost feel like watching the Bach this season together is somehow inappropriate because every scene featuring Juan Pablo, herein referred to as JP because I am way to fucking lazy to type that shit out every two seconds, is so ridiculously attractive and leg-hump-able that he’s turned my favorite weekly show into my own version of 50 Shades of Gray.

Cincuenta sombras de Juan Pablo.

Yum.

Anywho, apparently there are some stupid whores who are attempting to date MY BOYFRIEND JP. I guess I should probably talk about them too.

Whores.

Below are all 27 ladies who started this season (which began a few weeks ago). The photo are courtesy of ABC but I’ve added what I believe to be very insightful commentary on each of these prospective future ex-fiancees of JP.

victoria valerie sharleen renee nikki maggie lucy laurenS laurenH lacy kylie kelly kat elise danielle clare christy christine chelsie chantel cassandraashley andi amyL amyJ alli alexis

 

If you have made it this far, kudos, my friend.

Stick around this season, but I have some EARTH-SHATTERING news coming up on the blog very, very soon. Like my brain has melted out of my ears because I have the best freaking Bachelor-oriented news ever. Just wait. It’s…wait for it… legendario.

Whatever You Say

3 Jun

Kids say the darnest things, right? Like Bug telling me repeatedly that only my friend can drive her minivan because “you too big”.

That’s right, folks. I’m officially too big to fit in a minivan.

fuck you kid! I’m down 18 pounds and counting this year!

But once in a while (read: hourly), Bug says the most hilarious things. And it’s not only contextually funny, it’s also his awesome pronunciations of average words.

For example, Bee used to say Ganks (Thanks), Hangabur (Hamburger), and Pah-Pah-please (Please). The last one came from her never saying “thanks” and us prompting her with a “Pah…? Pah…?”!

But Bug is apparently from New Orleans or something because everything gets extra syllables.

Mouth = May-yowth
Face = Fay-yace
Bed = Bay-yed

And so on and so forth. It’s pretty flippin’ hysterical. This all just adds to his overall demeanor; it’s pretty much like living with a drunk midget.

A drunk midget who wears Depends.

Song title: Whatever You Say by Martini McBride

Baby Got Back

29 May

This is what I wake up to this morning:

Bug: Me take off blanket! (Smiling maniacally)

Me: Noooooo!!! (As he strips me of my warm blankets down to my butt)

Bug: Mom! Look at your belly! (Pointing at my ass)

Me: That’s not my belly! What is it?

(Pause)

Bug: It’s big.

Hope your morning is going a little smoother than mine!

Song title: Baby Got Back by Sir Mixalot

Seasons of Love

28 May

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

Another year, another birthday! So many things have happened this year, I think I can only write about it in numbers…

365 days
Roughly 800 cups of coffee (and that’s being veryconservative)
One kindergartener (how’d that happen?!)
One preschooler who cracks my shit up on a daily basis
3+ old friends lost
2+ new friends gained
10+ shots of vodka (and that was just last Saturday)
One epic family vacation to Disneyland
~10 art/craft shows
1 new business website
1 old business closed (my wedding planning company)
1 blog seriously ignored

As always, this post is to weakly promise my return to the blogosphere (shit, is that even what the kids are still calling it? OMG LOL WTF BBQ)

And, most importantly (because fuck the kid/family updates), A NEW SEASON OF THE BACHELORETTE JUST STARTED and guuuuuuuurl, it is a TRAIN WRECK. Like dudes in suits of armor and trying to sleep with the Bach on the first night kind of train wreck.

Yep, it’s (HASHTAG) hella awesome.

Song title: Seasons Of Love Lyrics by Rent Cast

“I can’t use ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ because it’s obvious going to be them.”

11 Jan

Toot! Toot! All aboard the crazy train! Be prepared for a serious train wreck because this week…

THE BACHELOR IS BACK!!!

This season’s Bachelor is Sean. You might remember Sean from falling in love with Emily last year on the Bachelorette. He is 29 years old, from Dallas, Texas and apparently loves (1) being shirtless, and (2) v-neck tee shirts.

Seriously, this guy must buy them in bulk from the Gap.

To be honest, I was kind of drifting off until what to my wondering eyes should appear but my old television boyfriend, Arie, also from Emily’s season!

Be still my heart!

Oh delicious Arie. God, he was gorgeous. Like sweet jesus smoking hot. He apparently gave him a lot of good/hilarious advice to Sean during his visit, including how to kiss with your whole body, but to be honest, I was too busy licking my television screen to pay attention.

Since this episode is chock full of crazy ladies, so I’ll do my best to introduce you to this season’s “contestants” (and, of course, our lovely Bachelor, too):

Sean-Lowe.fw

Amanda.fw

AshLee-F..fw

Ashley-H..fw

Ashley-P..fw

Brooke.fw

Catherine.fw

Daniella.fw

Desiree.fw

Diana.fw

Jackie.fw

Kacie.fw

Katie.fw

Kelly.fw

Keriann.fw

Kristy.fw

Lacey.fw

Lauren.fw

Lesley.fw

Lindsay.fw

Paige.fw

Robyn.fw

Sarah.fw

Slema.fw

Taryn.fw

Tierra.fw

This season on The Bachelor: Ambulances and crying are always a good sign.

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